My wife had to go to Winona today to attend a college graduation, and my daughter is fighting a cold, so I stayed home from THE CHECK today to be with her. She has been resting, so what better time to get some stuff done around the house. Should I put some more plastic on the windows? Hell, No. Besides, through the mercy of God, it's nearly 40 degrees outside. I decided to wrap some presents. Now, wrapping presents for most men is akin to going to the dentist. It's not a lot of fun, but it has to be done. Personally, I wouldn't put it on a "harrowing" level like a doctor's visit, but not many things in life are that bad. Most stores have recognized that men are completely inept at wrapping presents so they do it for you. The most empathetic stores do it for free, and other ones charge a fee, but it is worth it at any price. Those assholes at Target don't offer the service, so I was on my own.
I actually don't mind the process of wrapping. Brew some coffee, turn on those Christmas lights, play some Christmas music. I'm just no good at it. But, I even remembered tape this year. If you remember tape, you are ready to go. We were all set to go, and my little daughter and I proceeded to wrap the presents. I was astonished at what I witnessed - I am thirty six years older than my daughter, and she is already better at wrapping than me! Sure, I can fold over the big parts, but I have trouble with folding those nasty ends (of course). She actually showed me how to fold and tape the ends, and proceeded to finish the package perfectly! How is this possible? I've been trying to wrap packages for decades without improving a bit, and my daughter is "proficient" on possibly the first package she has ever wrapped. Now, my son's have helped me wrap from time to time, and they are ok. Not "too good " but enough to get the job done. I can only come to one conclusion, and I know there are going to be readers are not going to like this:
The ability to wrap packages is genetic.
I'm sure that some of you are in complete agreement with me on that, and others are probably a little hot under the collar right now. In fact, the odds of me sleeping on the couch tonight just got much higher. I promised there would be controversy in this blog. You cannot hold back on this kind of information for too long. This, to me, is like stating "the sun rises in the East and sets in the West." It's a scientific fact. Some of the more Euphorian readers are probably thinking it is a "theory," like the Sasquatch (which is also fact - but that is the topic of another blog). Wrong.
Anyway, I'd like to hear what some of the readers think about this.
Jeff
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12 comments:
First of all, my father is an excellent package wrapper. So, I completely disagree with the flower arranging remark. Although, he can arrange flowers nicely too when the situation calls for it. However, you might be onto something with the whole package-wrapping gene theory. I happen to share his knack for package wrapping, although I am not quite up to his skill level. That being said, he could still kick most guys' butts at racquetball.
Jeff
Spot-on!
I can proudly declare that I have NEVER wrapped a gift...not one!
Same goes for arranging flowers.
I trust the restaurant experience was all that you remembered?
I hope you were able to catch the epic episode of The Office though.
Classic!
Jeff:
I've learned that you live across the street from the foxy Italian spitfire I see working at Cosetta's. Do you know her very well?
Yes, and what is even more interesting is that she has kids named after the Ramones - Joey, Tommy and Marky. You can't make that kind of stuff up. That's better than having kids named after the Zappa's...
JT,
You couldn't be more on the money regarding the wrapping gifts. I not only think it's genetic, but some researcher somwhere in the world has the genetic code for "one who can wrap presents". My idea of wraping gifts consists of a old Cub food bag and a stapler.
I'd rather be forced to wear pants after 6:00pm than wrap a present.
The Pantless Wonder.
With regard to wrapping, put this in your pipe and smoke it: Canadian men can wrap a gift.
Erika
Too add on to my original comment (the very first comment posted on this topic), and in response to Erika... RIGHT ON!! My father is also Canadian. From the plains of Sask.
ahhhh.....once again, I think "Erika" was in the other room when this comment was posted!
I can't do it. And now that I'm a single parent, my children can't avoid the horror of dad's wrapping.
Ok, Jeff knows this story, but it's his idea that I share it.
A couple of years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman who was a talented gift wrapper. But that was about her only real talent.
She offered to wrap my kids' presents for me which I thought was fabulous. I brought bags and bags to her house and she wrapped away while I watched TV. She had a big smile on her face while she made ribbon bows and stuffed things with tissue paper.
I dumped her about a week later, which happened to be a week before Christmas. I'm going to burn in hell for that one.
With regards to wrapping presents I’ve never been accused of being light on my feet, but I do a pretty good job of wrapping at Christmas, so maybe I can give a few hints to make the process a little less stressful.
Wrapping needs to be treated as any other project a man would tackle around the house, you MUST have the proper tools and equipment, we all know that when it comes to tools that you need to buy the best quality you can, to do the job properly, the same goes for wrapping.
A. I find that the paper from Hallmark is superior to others, since it is heavier, it folds and cuts better, plus it has gridlines on the back to make a straight cut easier. Buy a couple of rolls in the same design, so all of your packages will be easily identifiable.
B. Use tape, (not Duct), only from the MMM company, other brands suck period.
C. Buy pre-made bows in assorted colors.
D. Buy Gift Tags that you can tie or tape to the packages, DO NOT use stick on labels they don’t peel off if you make mistake in a latter step.
E. Buy some sticky notes made by the same MMM company.
F. Make sure you get plenty of good quality gift boxes, get them from a real store such as Dayton’s, not someplace like Sears which has very flimsy boxes. If you don’t know how to use your “little boy lost” imitation in a real store to score extra gift boxes we’ll need another training session just for the art of shopping.
G. Make sure your work area is clear and free from distractions. No TV, Playboys, etc.
H. Do not be tempted to indulge in an adult beverages at this stage, (we’ll get to that later), remember you would not use your Stihl chain saw while crocked. While we won’t be losing any extremities here we do need to have complete control of our considerable skills.
Now that you have your equipment ready gather your presents and retreat to your work area for a couple of intense hours of wrapping. Take your time, but you’ll find that the gridlines are very helpful, and the heavier paper makes folding the ends easier. As you wrap each package use your sticky notes to identify what the package contains and who it is for, (at this time do not attach your bows or your gift tags, that comes in the next step), just label each and set it aside. When you are finished with your last package you should have an impressive pile of loot for your family and friends, so take a minute to sit back and admire your handiwork, before we move to the fun part of step two.
Now for step the actual “gifting” of the presents. For this step you defiantly need an adult beverage, preferably Scotch, (not made by the MMM company), either blend or a single malt, although any beverage that gets your creative juices flowing works.
We know what each package contains and its intended recipient from the sticky notes we employed earlier, now we need to determine who the present is from. If the gift label read
To: Maura
From: Jeff
it would only lead her to more closely examine the quality of your wrapping job and we want to deflect her away from that, by having the gift come from someone else will create confusion and curiosity about the nature of the gift as opposed to wrapping. An example of this technique may be helpful.
Let’s say that during the year Maura has let slip a not to subtle hint that she would like some piece of jewelry, naturally she didn’t expect Jeff to pick up on the hint, but like most wives they severely underestimate their husband’s powers, but that is a whole other story.
Anyway Jeff gets himself to his local bauble store and employs his best “little boy lost” techniques to get Maura a nice diamond ring.While jewelry boxes are easy to wrap, it is pretty oblivious as to what they are even when wrapped. So the package can not be From: Jeff, it needs to be To: Maura, From: Tango and Cash.
Now this is a pretty simplistic redirection because if she goes with the Kurt Russell connection that would lead her to Goldie Hawn, which ties to the jewelry. Conversely if she goes with the Sylvester Stallone it will lead to Rocky Balboa and of course rock is another term for diamond. But with time, and a good single malt, you can become very obscure and drive your spouse crazy.
As mentioned earlier jewelry boxes are hard to disguise so another technique is to “re-gift” them. My re-gift is not the same as a lot of people, when I re-gift I put one gift inside another. For example but a ring box in the canister of a $500 Animal vacuum, and after she is done beating you with the implements she’ll discover the other gift and will become quite humble and contrite.
Last but not least this is the best I’ve ever heard. A few years ago a family friend’s wife wanted a fur coat, (pre PETA). Well our friend Nick got all the Sunday comics from all the neighbors for about 6 months and cut them up into currency size pieces. He place them and the cost of the fur coat in 10, 20 & 50 dollar bills in a large, (think refrigerator), cardboard box which he wrapped. Of course he would not tell his wife the total amount in the box, so needless to say the box was still in the middle of the living room on the 4th of July.
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