Shitdale

Those of you who reside in the Twin Cities area are no doubt familiar with the Har-Mar Mall, one of the oldest shopping centers in the metropolitan area. Har-Mar, which I lovingly refer to as "Shitdale," is located in Roseville and is anchored by a Marshall's, Cub Foods and, until recently, several movie theatres. The theatres recently closed because a modern, 14-screen stadium-seating theatre just opened in nearby Rosedale (Rosedale - not Shitdale). The theatres also closed because people got sick of sticking to their seats and feeling like they watching a flick in a MRI tube. Har-Mar is rounded out by a pet store, a used book store, some second-hand stores and several empty store fronts. One of those used to be a Christian book store which went out of business. I'm not sure what that says about Har-Mar. Also, Shitdale has the nicest Barnes and Noble bookstore that I have ever been in, which has always amazed me. This is much like putting expensive rims on a Chevy Chevette.

Why is this important? Well, today I was reading the StarTribune and I came across an article stating that Shitdale, I mean Har-Mar, is headed for a "makeover." According to Richard Coles, a Vice-President for Emmes & Co. which owns the mall, Har-Mar is a "under-performing asset." Coles went on to say ""It's a shopping institution in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area, and we think it has a lot of potential."

The article also mentions that the firm will renovate the mall, starting with the exterior facade of the west side of the mall and continue to renovate the area that used to house the theatres (good luck with that one, fellas). Emmes also has some ambitious plans for the rest of the building and surrounding structures.

OK. Wait a minute. Has anyone ever heard the saying about "painting a turd?" Now, don't get me wrong - I love Har-Mar. I love how it has uneven floors and always smells like pepperoni. I love how there is always craft shows on weekends. I love the stoners who work at the pet shop. And, if a person truly wants to be alone, there is no better place in the Twin Cities. Let's keep it like that! Har-Mar has always had a certain "coolness" to it. Enough so that it is mentioned in a Hold Steady song and even spawned the moniker "Har-Mar Superstar" for the entertainer Sean Tillman (see below).
We don't need another Galleria in this town. We already have one of those in Edina and I'd rather hear the snap of the doctors rubber glove than go to Galleria and deal with those ass- holes. Is there a "Galleria Superstar?" No. And, look, it's going to take more than a fresh coat of paint and a new facade to spruce up Har-Mar. It's going to take several tons of explosives and a miracle of biblical proportions. And with the Christian bookstore going out of business, that is not going to happen any time soon.

I am hearby starting a "Keep Har-Mar Shitty!" campaign. I will make shirts and bumper stickers if I have to. Maybe I will run for political office with that as my slogan. Enough is enough, people. Upgrade Har-Mar - C'mon.

Let me know if you are in.

Peace,

Jeff

Just Do What She Says

Those of you who know me realize that I am a deep-thinker (no question) and am constantly in search of the meaning of life. I have spent quite a bit of time searching for the life's meaning at various pubs, concerts and baseball parks but, to quote U2, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." The Internet is also an obvious source of information and meaning. Granted, 90% of it is crap (Lindsay Lohan's latest DUI, for example) but every so often you find a nugget of gold.

For instance, a couple of days ago, I was on the St. Paul Pioneer Press web site and came across the following article about a couple who has been married for 82 and 1/2 years:

http://www.twincities.com/localnews/ci_6439689?source=rv

Now, another thing you have to know about me is that I am amazed at males who live to an elderly age. Maybe that is why I am amazed by the House of Wong's clientele. You see, there is NOT really a pattern of male longevity in my family history, so I am flabbergasted when I read about or see a seriously old man. By the way, I hope to break this cycle in my family (thank you Zocor) and live forever and eat at The House of Wong every night with the rest of the fossils. Anyway, along with the fact this this couple, the Vails, has been married for 82 1/2 years, what really struck me is that the wife (Mayme) is 99 years old and the husband (Clarence) is..........................freaking 101!

What are the keys to a happy marriage and how in God's name did Clarence live to be 101? I just got a calculator out and figured out he was 35 - when World War II started. Well, that is the great thing about this article - they have pointers! Let's see what Clarence and Mayme have to say. Check it out (I have offered my commentary on how I feel I am fairing after each one):

KEYS TO A LONG (AND HAPPY) MARRIAGE:

1. Avoid debt. The Vails never had a credit card and never spent what they didn't have. (I agree - good point. It also helps that credit cards did not exist until the Vails were in their 60's. I'd give my wife and I a good grade on this - we don't have much debt.)

2. Strive for simple, clean living. Neither smoked or drank, both a waste of money, Mayme Vail said. (I'm all with the Vails on the smoking point. The drinking point could be a big, big problem. Big.)

3. Pick a good woman and let her lead the way, Clarence Vail advises. (Amen. No question. A+. Oddly, there was no follow-up advice from Mayme on this point.)

4. No public arguments and no shouting, particularly in front of the children. (I totally agree. I use up most of my rage and shouting watching the Vikings, which has nothing to do with my marriage. And I certainly don't watch the Vikings with my children.)

5. Feed your faith. The Vails followed every evening dinner with the rosary and still say it daily. Mayme Vail attended daily Mass until recently. (Well, we don't say the rosary after EVERY dinner. Ah, let's just say this is a work in progress. Incomplete.)

6. Accept your spouse as is. Your marriage will be happier, Mayme Vail said, if you make peace with each other's quirks. (Luckily, my wife and I are perfect, so we don't need to pay any attention to this piece of advice. Let's move on).

Well, after everything is said and done, I think I did OK. Except for the drinking point and the rosary, we did OK. Oh, there is one more bit of advice that Clarence had for men that gave me pause. According to Clarence, husbands should "just do what she wants you to do."

Wow. That's deep. In other words, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Well, I can kind of see that logic. Now, if I guy turns that philosophy around to "just do what HE wants you to do," he'd be sent to family counseling and considered an ass-hole. But, "just do what SHE wants you to do" is kind of quaint and solid advice. It's obviously worked for Clarence and Mayme. Like I said, the dude is 101.

I'd like to know what some of the husbands and wives out there think about this philosophy. Do you agree? Does your marriage work this way?

I'd like to hear. You know me, just searching for the meaning of life.

Peace,

Jeff

Some Things Never Change

The newest edition of the Harry Potter series was released last night at Midnight. It turns out that many people waited in line for hours upon hours to be the first to buy the book at the stroke of midnight. The photograph of revelers that you see above was featured in this morning's StarTribune with the following caption:

With wizards. witches and other characters gathered around in front of the Jackson Street Roundhouse, Harry Potter, foreground, as depicted by Michael Adrian, were ready for the release of the latest Harry Potter mystery novel. All the kids in the photo are students at Stillwater high school and members of the school's drama club.
Wow! These kids are all members of their high school's drama club? Come on! One fact of life that never changes throughout the ages is that "geeks will be geeks." Whether it be a Star Trek or a UFO convention or Harry Potter, they will be there. Waiting in line in their costume.

Now hold on. I know what you are thinking. What an asshole - right? Jeff must have been Mr. Cool and he's picking on the geeks even at age 40. That is simply not true. You see, one of the defining moments of my life was when Star Wars was released in 1977. I was in 5th grade, and lived and breathed Star Wars for the next few years. I was a "Class A" Star Wars geek. I think I even dressed like Luke Skywalker in a parade in Eau Claire once in 1978. Luckily, blogs did not exist back then so some jerk could copy a photo of that image and post it for the entire world to see. I also figure that period of geekdom set me back in the dating scene for about a decade.

There is no question that I remain a geek today. Take the new Twins stadium. I went and testified in front of the Hennepin County Commissioners in favor of the stadium, for God sakes. You have to be sort of a geek to leave THE CHECK early, drive downtown and do that. I didn't dress up like Joe Mauer, however. Some people may even say I'm a geek for the Sasquatch. He's real, you know, and I don't like how the Sasquatch gets lumped in with UFO's, palm reading and other bunk voodoo crap at conventions. Apples and oranges, people. But, once again, if I attend an event or book reading regarding the Sasquatch, I'm not going to dress like him. Especially in the summer when it's hot.

So anyway, I'm not poking fun at the kids in the picture (well, sort of). This post is a ode to geekdom. It's good to have passion about something. The world has enough people who are passionate about meth, crack and NASCAR. We need more people like the kids in the picture above. Let's just hope they grow out of it so they can get married and have kids and stuff.

Jeff

The Fat Lady is Warming Up

I took at half-day from THE CHECK today and attended the Twins/Tigers game at the Dome with The Pantless Wonder. After starting the second half of the season with a 4-game sweep of Oakland, the Twins lost 4-3 today and were thereby swept by Detroit. The Twins are now 9 games out of first place. Here are some of my observations:

1. Attendance today was right around 39,000, a pretty good afternoon crowd. If you want to attend a 12:15 afternoon Twins game on a weekday, it's best to get downtown around 8:00 AM unless you want to park in Golden Valley. After searching for a parking spot for 45 minutes, we parked near Target Center - the opposite end of downtown.

2. The weather outside was 80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and there was a slight breeze. Humidity was extremely low for July. After we went inside the Dome, I felt like I was like watching the game from my basement. 2010 cannot come fast enough.

3. The volunteers who work the concession stands do not know how to pour Summit beer.

4. Joe Mauer grounds out to the second baseman a lot.

5. There were some STRANGE dudes at the Dome today. Now, I know what you are thinking. Me and The Pantless Wonder are not exactly the picture of normalcy. I will give you that. But, I am telling you, there were some strange dudes at the Dome today.

6. I love Terry Ryan, but the failure to trade for a big bat in the line-up is killing the team. But, it may be too late now. The line up today that included Bartlett, Tyner, Punto, & Garrett Anderson had no chance against the Tigers.

7. The pitching lately has given me hope for the future. Scott Baker and Matt Garza have looked great. Regarding 2007, however, the Fat Lady is definitely warming up.

Which brings me to my question. Now that the Twins have locked up Joe Mauer for 4 years, who should they sign and who should they let go? My belief is that they need to keep Justin Morneau and Johan Santana at all costs. I know that Torii Hunter is one of the most popular players to ever wear a Twins uniform, but I would not break the bank for a player who is now 32 years old. I also believe that if the Twins fall completely out of the race, they should look to trade Joe Nathan before the trading deadline and name Pat Neshek the closer for the future. I would imagine there are some teams in the pennant race that would be willing to part with some nice prospects for Nathan. It's time to look to the future, baby.

What do you think? Who should the Twins keep and who should they look to trade? Let me know!

Peace,

Jeff

All-Time Twins Line-Up - Good & Bad

Incredibly, 2007 marks the 20th anniversary of the Minnesota Twins first-ever World Series championship. I remember the summer of 1987 like it was yesterday. I was a Sophomore/Junior at the University of Leinenkugels (Eau Claire) and living at 1207 State St. with Jase, Ronny-San, Troyvis and Cubby. Nobody expected the Twins to do much that year, but they benefited from a weak AL West, knocked off the heavily favored Detroit Tigers and beat the St. Louis Cardinals in 7 games. When Gary Gaetti threw to Kent Hrbek for the last out of game seven, Ronnie-San tackled me in jubilation and broke my glasses. That didn't matter, however. Decades of futility and near-misses were erased. The Twins went on to win the World Series again in 1991 with a more legitimate team, but the feeling was not quite the same. The underdog Twins of 1987 remain a story for the ages.

To mark the occasion, I have decided to name what I feel is the top Twins line-up of all time, by position. I also wanted to make a second list, however. I must clarify that I have only been following the Twins, in earnest, since the late 1970's. Anything before that, I was more interested in Scooby Doo and Batman. Therefore, I am going to make a list of the top Twins line-up "that I have watched play." This line-up will be from the late 1970's to present. Unfortunately, I did not see Harmon Killebrew and Tony Oliva play. And, while I'm at it, I might as well make a list of the "all-time WORST" Twins line-up that I watched play. That was the most fun. Here you go. As always, let me know what you think:

ALL-TIME TWINS LINE-UP (the best since the Twins moved to MN in 1961):
First Base: Kent Hrbek
Second Base: Rod Carew
Shortstop: Zoilo Versalles
Third Base: Harmon Killebrew
Catcher: Earl Battey
Outfield: Bob Allison
Outfield: Tony Oliva
Outfield: Kirby Puckett
Right-Handed Pitcher: Jim Kaat
Left-Handed Pitcher: Johan Santana
Reliever: Rick Aguilera
Manager: Tom Kelly
Stadium: Metropolitan Stadium "The Met"

ALL-TIME TWINS "JEFF HAS WATCHED THEM" LINE-UP (the best since 1979):
First Base: Kent Hrbek (Honorable Mention - Justin Morneau)
Second Base: Chuck Knoblauch (sorry!)
Shortstop: Greg Gagne
Third Base: Gary Gaetti (Honorable Mention - John Castino)
Catcher: Joe Mauer
Outfield: Torii Hunter
Outfield: Dan Gladden
Outfield: Kirby Puckett (Honorable Mention - Tom Bruansky)
Right-Handed Pitcher: Bert Blyleven
Left-Handed Pitcher: Johan Santana (Honorable Mention - Frank Viola)
Reliever: Rick Aguilera (Honorable Mention - Jeff Reardon & Joe Nathan)
Manager: Tom Kelly (Honorable Mention - Ron Gardenhire)
Stadium: Metropolitan Stadium "The Met"

ALL-TIME "WORST" TWINS "JEFF HAS WATCHED THEM" LINE-UP (the WORST since 1979):

**I must clarify this list. To make this list, a player must have either started or played a prominent role in that year's squad. I know that the "worst" Major League Players are still heads and tails above most baseball players. But, these are the players that caused me to lose hair, curse, drink heavily, sweat and lose sleep over the years. This list was a blast to make, but not a blast to watch play!

First Base: Scott Stahoviak (this guy pretty much sums up the horrible mid-90's) Dishonorable Mention: David McCarty

Second Base: Rob Wilfong (Bad mustache. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a cannon)

Shortstop: Pat "Smooth" Mears (The only player ever that Kirby Puckett didn't like) Dishonorable Mention: Lenny Faedo

Third Base: Tony Batista (What's your favorite Tony Batista moment?)

Catcher: Matt Walbeck (Remember him? Didn't think so)

Outfield: Rich Becker (I'm still trying to repress mid-90's)

Outfield: Lew Ford (As Pat Ruesse says "The Least Fundamentally Sound Player In Baseball History. LEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!)

Outfield: Darryl "Downtown" Brown (Only good point is that he was so bad the Twins brought up Kirby Puckett) Dishonorable Mention: Rick "Hollywood" Sofield, Hosken Powell & Bombo Rivera

Right-Handed Pitcher: Terry Felton (Once lost 16 straight decisions. You can't make that up)

Left-Handed Pitcher: David West (It seemed like every time I bought a ticket he was pitching. Usually went 3 and 1/3 before being pulled)

Reliever: Ron Davis (Hands down, no other player has caused me, and the Upper Midwest, more consternation than R.D. His ability to blow saves in the mid 1980's was utterly shocking. I cannot explain in mere words how horrible this was. I developed a facial tick of pushing my glasses up by the middle bow and squinting while watching him pitch. I can't talk about this any more.)

Manager: Billy Gardner (Hey, I actually love this guy. He had nothing to work with. He was a comedian - one of the funniest guys around. You'd have to be with R.D. as your closer. But, he lost 102 games in 1982)

Stadium: The Metrodome (The only stadium in the country that people avoid once the weather gets nice)

Well, there you have it. I put some thought into this one. Please let me know what you think. Who are some of your favorite Twins of all time? Who took years off of your life? I want to know!

Jeff

New For Today's Office

If you are like me, you work in an office that prominently displays motivational posters such as this:

Well, that is a beautiful sentiment and everything, but sometimes "motivation" is the last thing a person wants to see at work. I'm sure we've all had times in which we read a poster like this right after getting yelled at by a customer (not that that has ever happened at THE CHECK). That is where the "demotivational" posters of despair.com come into play. Maybe some of you have visited this site already, but in case you haven't, here is the link:

http://despair.com/

I love this site. Once you are in, click on "demotivators by name" at the top of the Homepage to view all the posters available. Outstanding stuff. I have always wondered how long it would take people to notice if I hung one of these up at work. Not that I would ever do that! Check it out and let me know what you think. I will leave you with a few of my favorites:

Have a great night,

Jeff

Analytics

"Analytics" was a word that always scared me during my school days. To me, it meant "math" and "algebra" and "geometry." You see, I was never that good at math. I was more of a Political Science guy. In Political Science, a person could be dead wrong on something, but argue his case well and still get a B+ (a lot like this blog). In math, however, if the answer to an equation is 67.98, you could not argue that the answer really is 132.11 and still get a B+. An answer of 132.11 in that case would earn you a F. Only one right answer in math, baby. As Chevy Chase once said while portraying Gerald Ford on Saturday Night Live, "I understood there would be no math." I was too busy emptying the pencil sharpener over the vents in Mr. Hillestad's 10th grade geometry class to be bothered with angles, triangles and stuff. I thought that was pretty funny back then (and I still chuckle about that from time to time today). My kids better not try that kind of crap, however, or there is going to be hell to pay.

Anyway, not only did my wife create this blog for me, she turned me on to "Google Analytics." I was wary at first because of the math connotation. Google Analytics, however, is a very cool feature that allows people to see what kind of traffic is occurring on their blog and where it's coming from. It's like Command Central for What Jeff Thinks. Now, don't worry people, I haven't been able to figure out which e-mail addresses the traffic is coming from, so I can't verify if Jase truly visits this site 57 times a day. If any of you know how to do this, I'd be very grateful if you'd clue me in. I can tell what type of browser they used and how long they stayed on the site. I can also tell volume (visits) in any date range, what web pages people are accessing, and what cities and countries people are visiting from, and other cool stuff. Here are some of my findings:

Since June 25th, when I first registered with Google Analytics, there have been 475 visits to this blog from 91 separate e-mail addresses. These 475 visits have come from 26 cities and 2 continents(!). Obviously, there is a heavy concentration from Minneapolis and St. Paul (probably the Governor and various sports team owners who want my input). In fact, 290 of the 475 visits were from people who's e-mail was registered in either Minneapolis or St. Paul. There are also readers from surrounding suburbs, including Chaska, Hopkins, and Eden Prairie. There are readers from Duluth, Rochester and Sioux Falls, South Dakota. There is representation in Wisconsin from Eau Claire, Madison and Webster. There are also readers in Chicago, New York, Boston, St. Louis and Seattle who wonder what the hell Jeff thinks.

The strangest one so far has actually been from a different continent. There was one individual who stumbled upon this blog from Zagreb in the Middle East. That one rattled me a little because I have had some unflattering things to say about radical Muslims in the past. Hey, just kidding - I love you guys! Actually, they were probably looking for Sasquatch updates.

I find this information quite interesting and check it from time to time. I find it quite amusing considering only a handful of lucky souls read this blog when I first started. Now, it's spreading like wildfire. My goal is to have a reader in each state. So if you know someone who might like this site, forward it on! Please make sure they are not homicidal manics, stadium haters, radical Muslims or Sasquatch non-believers. They would not enjoy the blog.

Thanks,

Jeff

Twins New Ballpark Web Cam

The new Twins ballpark web cam is now available!

This is the kind of stuff that makes me giddy.

Check it out - there are some pretty snazzy features!

I tell ya - I'm like a kid in a candy store....

http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/min/ballpark/new_ballpark_webcam.jsp

One for me and one for David Amaram. And another for me...

When my oldest was a wee lad back in the late '90's he used to listen to children's musical artist (i.e troubadour) Raffi. Back in those days, Raffi CD's were in heavy rotation in the car and at home. I could have sang "Banana Phone, Peanut Butter Sandwich, Baby Beluga," and the rest of Raffi's hits word for word.

I have often wondered what happened to the troubadour, as I have not heard much from him lately. My young nephews no longer think of him as cool, and have gravitated to other kids tunes and Johnny Cash. Much to my surprise, while reading today's Star Tribune, I believe I have found a current picture of Raffi! It turns out he is spending some time "relaxing" down in Spain. Good to know the old boy is still around.

Check it out:

Peace,

Jeff

Back in the 70's

...and maybe you been suffering from
a few too many plans that have gone wrong
and your trying to remember
how fine your life used to be
running around banging your drum
like it's 1973...

The Waterboys - "This Is The Sea"

I've just returned from vacation at The Cabin, and during that trip I found myself thinking quite a bit about the 1970's. I actually had a 70's flashback at The Cabin, when "the dads," beer in hand, were lighting off fire crackers with the kids. My sons happen to have rather long hair right now that curls out from their baseball caps to create a "Bad News Bears" image - circa 1976. That, my friends, was a 1970's moment. Fireworks, dads, kids with long hair and beer. The only things missing were cigarettes and polyester pants. I could have sworn I heard "Silly Love Songs" by Wings playing somewhere in the background.

Admittedly, I have fond memories of the 1970's. Bikes with banana seats, The Bicentennial, feathered hair (hair in general), Little League Baseball (Plaza Furniture Padres!), Lawn Jarts, The Pop Shoppe, Three's Company, Mary Tyler Moore, All In The Family, the Hillcrest pool, Tom Snyder's pool, In Search of, etc. etc. etc. There were no Blackberrys, BlueTooths or e-mail. Hey, if you were on vacation, you couldn't be reached. And, the kicker, I had never heard of cholesterol back then. Nobody had heard of it, really. People didn't know smoking was bad for you, for God sakes.

Recently, there was quite a "70's fad" in which fashion, music, trivia, etc. from the decade was back in vogue. I read an article somewhere in which a guy being interviewed about "what he loved about the '70's," hit the nail on the head when he remarked "...in the 70's I could go out for a steak, cigar and martini and nobody gave me a dirty look." Amen, brother. Now we know the fat (saturated, trans, polyunsaturated, & monounsaturated), salt, sugar, fiber, potassium, carbohydrates, sodium, folic acid, and Vitamin A, B, C, D, E, F, G content of every frickin' thing we eat. And don't forget Zinc - it wards off colds if you take it at the right time. You need them all, in some capacity, but too much of any of it will kill you. We think.

In the 1970's, I could walk virtually anywhere when I turned five. I used to walk four blocks to buy baseball cards at Thriftway almost every day. (The cards had bubble gum in the package, by the way, WITH SUGAR!) Today, we get nervous if our kids go into the next aisle at Target. And I am not saying this nervousness is unwarranted. There are a lot of 21st-century jack-asses out there to watch out for. And that is part of the problem.

Now, I realize that not everything about the '70's was peaches and cream. High-unemployment, gas-lines, the end of the Vietnam war, DISCO, etc. And, speaking of lawn jarts, I was almost killed by one. I also admit that smoking and not knowing the ingredients in food led to quite a few health problems for people. If my dad knew more about healthy eating and cholesterol back then, he might be here today. But at least he didn't spend all of his waking moments obsessing about it, which is more "the 21st Century Way." People may live longer but stress levels are way up. I guess that means ignorance is bliss, baby.

Oh well, what can you do? Would I go back? Not a chance. I am having too good of a time as a husband and father. Maybe, I'll make "my own 70's." I happen to have a leisure suit, and I could try and grow the feathered hair back.

Ah, maybe not. There is no way I could grow my hair out that long. And, by the way, where is my iPod?

Peace,

Jeff

4th of July

Happy 4th of July everyone!

Peace,

Jeff