Wrestling With Wrestling

I have been perplexed by the sport of wrestling since I was a small child. I am talking about "real" wrestling here, not the "fake" kind with Hulk Hogan and Baron Von Rashke - that was actually kind of cool. I am talking about organized, let's practice in the high school gym kind of wrestling. Why two sweaty men in leotards would want to roll around on a mat and try to pin each other down is beyond me. Now, hold on right here. I am not questioning the toughness, conditioning or manhood of anyone out there who may have wrestled growing up. I have a couple of good friends who grappled growing up, and I've brought this up to them. I simply cannot understand why a person would put themselves through that. Here are some reasons why I think this way about wrestling:

1. Fasting. In order to "qualify" for a certain weight class, a wrestler may be forced to "fast" to drop a few pounds in a hurry. This is crazy talk, and quite unhealthy, I would have to imagine. Back in High School, I saw quite a few guys sipping water and nearly hallucinating because they were "trying to drop a few pounds." To make matters worse, I saw a few wing-nuts running stairs in snowmobile suits on 89-degree days "to drop a few pounds." Think about this. That's a good way to "drop a few pounds - and brain cells" along the way. Or have a stroke.

2. Wrestling coaches. Simply put, 100% crazy. Very good chance of being anger-management candidates. I apologize to anyone who might have a wrestling coach in the family, but it's true. Admit it.

3. Leotards. Enough said.

4. Getting your ass kicked. I don't care how many pounds you drop by torturing yourself, the other wing-nuts on the other team are doing the same thing. You will eventually have to grapple with someone meaner, crazier, and more deranged than yourself. You will get your ass kicked. No question about it.

5. Cauliflower ears. Wrestlers have wear this head gear to protect themselves (irony). The head gear, coupled with getting your face smashed into the mat over and over and over and over and over and over and over will give you "cauliflower ears." I am not making this up. This cannot help with dating in those awkward teen-age years. Never heard of cauliflower ears? Here is a picture:

http://www.rawc.org/cauliflower.jpg

6. Herpes. Yes, you read that correctly. There is a brand-new wrestling wrinkle thrown in now in 2007. According to a published report, the Minnesota State High School league ordered a shutdown of the sport after a recommendation by the Minnesota Department of Heath in the wake of 24 confirmed cases of herpes gladiatorum, (I'll get back to that name in a second) a virus spread by skin to skin contact. Here is the story from the St. Paul Pioneer Press:

http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/news/16583830.htm

Say what?

OK - no "big pin" is worth this. Herpes? Now, I don't care that it's not HERPES, it's still in the family. Let me get this straight. Wrestlers with skin lesions - skin lesions - spread the virus through rolling around with other wrestlers, and they had to shut the entire sport down for eight days. Here's some good news, however. Once wrestling starts up again, all wrestlers will be required to strip down and be "inspected" before each match. You just gave me number 7 for my list. Hey, at least there wasn't a enormous spread of crabs through wrestling. How would you like to inspect for that before every match?

You have to admit the name is kind of cool - herpes gladiatorum (you can't make that up). Like "gladiator." There is some self-respect in this. It could have been called herpes sissyatorum or herpes wussatorum. That would have not been good for the boys self-esteem.

I am sure all of this will blow over and the sport of wrestling will be even stronger in the future. Not enough to get me in the stands, however. It's way too dangerous - and bad for your health.

Peace.

Jeff

Very Interesting Video

Hey there everyone - it's officially zero degree's outside right now and I've promised to take my sons to the rink to play some hockey. What the hell am I thinking? I don't know. When you have the "haircut" like mine, you really feel the cold, too. I need to start growing my Adam Clayton white guy 'fro circa - 1981 for when I am playing bass with the Dad Band. I'll look like a complete jackass, but it will help when it is cold.

Speaking of Adam Clayton and U2, I don't know if you've heard about their new video. When you are an old guy like me, the only place you hear about new videos is in the newspaper. Sure enough, I was reading the Sunday paper and there was an entire article about this video. It is for their new song "Window In The Skies," and features clips of some of the most famous people in rock history "singing" the song through the magic of editing. Very, very cool. It's not funny like the Michelle Bachman video, but not much is. See how many bands you recognize - and look for members of U2 in the crowd shots. Here it is for your viewing pleasure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VskbxuehP3I

Jeff

Kiss Me George - Damn It!

If you want to get my wife mad, just mention Michelle Bachman. If you have never heard of Michelle Bachman, she is a freshman in the House of Representatives in Washington D.C. She originally hails from the Stillwater area of our State of Minnesota. Saying she is conservative is like saying the universe is big. She is just right of Attila The Hun. If this was the 1930's, not only would she have been a Nazi sympathizer, she would have moved to Berlin and flirted with Rudolf Hoess. She is the reason that places like Edina exist. And, as previously mentioned, my wife curses the ground she walks on. Now, I do not try and bring her up too often around my wife because I like to keep the peace. I am a peace-keeper. Anyway, here is my point. Michelle was in attendance at the last Presidential address, and wanted to make sure to not only get George Bush's attention, she wanted a kiss. Because we live in the year 2007, through the magic of the Internet, we can relive this historic event. To view, please open link and click "Play" next to video:

http://wcco.com/topstories/local_story_024193038.html

Now, if you were Michelle's husband, what would you think? I have a feeling that he is probably a little neutered to begin with, but I imagine this whole thing would bum him out a little bit. But then again, there is a good chance that the Bachman household just might have a picture or two of George Bush "here and there." A picture of George in the living room "here," or one in the foyer "there." Maybe one on the coffee table right next to copies of Modern Conservative and Suburban Bitch magazine, or possibly on the ceiling in the bedroom. I can picture Mr. Bachman making dinner with his apron on while Michelle gazes longingly at watercolors of "W" gathering brush down at The Ranch in Texas. I feel kind of bad for the guy. Now, I have to put up with some scattered pictures of George Clooney around the house, but they do not bother me because I know I am a handsome devil. I've seen pictures of Mr. Bachman, however, and this is not a claim he can make. Well, stay tuned. This could get interesting.

Jeff

Happy Stuff

I have received some feedback that much of my writing on this blog is of a very cynical nature. I have also received feedback that it is too heavy on the subject of sports. Well, for me sports and cynicism go hand in hand. Try watching the Vikings for three decades and see if you feel like Richard Simmons. Anyway, feedback is a gift (which is a saying from THE CHECK) and I don't want all of you out there to think that I am ungrateful for the things that I have in My Life. I am very, very thankful for the things that I have, and can actually identify the only two subjects that consistently get me pissed off:

1. Sports teams from Minnesota and their futility
2. Sports Stadiums, and the way Minnesota screws them up

So, this post is going is not going to be about those two things. This post is going to be about all of the things that make me happy. Here we go (in no particular order):

**My family. Have you ever heard that Talking Heads song that goes - "This is not my beautiful wife, This is not my beautiful house..." It's about a guy who can't believe he actually has these things in his life. I feel like that a lot. How did I go from living in a Shotgun Shack (136 Chippewa St.) to having the most wonderful wife and three best kids in the world? I have two great sisters, too. Must be doing something right.

**Friends. Jase, Jon, The Pantless Wonder, Jim, Al, Pedo, Dan, Shawn, Sean, Matt, Aaron, Charley, Chewie, Tom, Dean, De, Ronny-San, Brad, Pete, Tony and the list goes on and on. Lots of laughs and good memories - past, present and future.

**Tunes. Music can cheer you up, bum you out, get you mad, make you sick, make you think, psych you up, freak you out and make you cry. And it's all good. Listen to the Neil Young song "One Of These Days" and you will know what I am talking about.

**Indoor plumbing. How can you not like that?

**Beer. Ben Franklin once said "Beer is proof of a God and that He loves us and wants us to be happy." Amen Ben.

**Sports. Yeah, they piss me off. But they are a hell of a lot of fun. You can't beat taking the dudes to a Wild game at Xcel Energy Center!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT4KQMrH67w

**Cholesterol medication. Hey, I might be dead without it.

**Monkeys. Very, very funny animals. Proof that God has a sense of humor.

**The Sasquatch. He's out there. You think he ain't?

**Getting up on a weekend morning, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper while wearing those slippers my wife knitted for me.

**Lastly (for now), the combination of chocolate and caramel. Simply awesome. (See cholesterol medication).

That's all for now. Peace!

Jeff

Sports Hell Continues...

Well, it's 4:39 on Sunday afternoon, and it looks like the Chicago Bears are going to represent the National Football Conference in the Super Bowl. Rex Grossman just threw a touchdown pass to put the Bears up by 11. The receiver had to make a circus catch, of course, which is the only way to catch most passes from Grossman. The Bears in the Super Bowl. How we got to this point, I will never know. Did anyone see the Packers take the Bears starters apart the last week of the season? The Vikings should've (would've, could've) beat them if it wasn't for a late fumble for God's sakes. I've spent 40 years hating this team, which may be one reason they are in the Super Bowl, now that I think about it.

The Bears certainly have a capable defense, but they may have the single worst offense (if not team) to ever take the field in a Super Bowl. The Baltimore Ravens under the helm of Trent Dilfer holds the current "worst offense in the Super Bowl." Rex Grossman makes Trent Dilfer look like Johnny Unitas, however. Now, I know what you are all thinking. I am jealous. I will admit that, yes, of course I am jealous because I am a Viking fan and I have accepted that they will never, ever, win a Super Bowl. And, yes, I'd rather be the worst team to win in a Super Bowl than the best team to never win it. No question. I have fully accepted that the Vikings will never win the Big One, with one exception - if they move to another city they will win it within two years - guaranteed.

Oh, well. What can you do? I'll settle in to watch the Patriots-Colts game to see who will be destroying the Bears in the Super Bowl - guaranteed.

Peace.

Jeff

Recent Things That Make Me Think...

Here are some of the things that I have been thinking about lately:

1. If a person is going to express themselves with a bumper sticker on their car, it is rather ineffective to stick one on that is a paragraph long and in 4 point font. It is the equivalent of mumbling during a speech. When you are driving 70 miles down the highway, and trying to read the bumper sticker, it is nearly impossible and quite dangerous. The following sentiment probably should not be displayed in the form of a bumper sticker on your car:

The Earth is our Mother and should not be taken lightly or we're all going to end up dying which is going to happen anyway because George Bush is an idiot and Global Warming is real which is melting the Polar Ice Caps as we speak and is killing the polar bears and will flood everyone just like Al Gore said in that movie which I haven't seen yet because I went to see The Break Up instead but don't tell anyone.

Trying to read that would cause a 40-car pile up on 35E during rush hour, which is not good for the environment either. Please limit your bumper stickers to 10 words or less. Thank you,

2. Each night, due to my obsession with Twins stadium news, I scour the Internet for updates on Hennepin County's inability to purchase the land on which the stadium will be located. As I have stated in a previous post, I will not believe this stadium will be built until I have attended at least 5 games in it. Anyway, through some serious Search Engine detective work, I have located a blog that proves there are other people out there just like me (scary). Here is a link to that blog:

http://blog.lib.umn.edu/snackeru/greet/

At least now I know that if Hennepin County botches the stadium, I won't be alone when I jump off the High Bridge!

3. Ok. You readers have to help me with this third one. Now, I'm not trying to stir anything up, or come across as the next David Duke or anything, but I read something on CNN.com today that really made me wonder. The story was about Muslims who are "upset about being portrayed as terrorists" on the latest episode of 24. Here is a link to that story:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/19/24.muslims.ap/index.html

Ah.........huh? Yeah, that would bum me out too. But, if blond Lutherans were flying planes into buildings, along with carrying out daily suicide bombings around the world and had a "club" who's motto was "Death to America," I would expect blond Lutheran terrorists to end up in an episode of 24. What nationality should the "fictional" terrorists be? Dutch? Samoan? They had some Russian terrorists in last year's storyline, and nobody in Moscow freaked out. The Russians accept that they have a good portion of terrorists on their soil, and it makes for a good plot. Now, if 24 continues to utilize Muslims as terrorists, I am sure there will be some serious protesting. Just like when The Pope mentioned in a speech that Islam could be "a violent religion." To protest being called violent, radical Muslim's responded worldwide by burning things, kidnapping and hanging the Pope in effigy.

These are the things that make me think....

Jeff

Dinassty? I Can't Even Spell It

Phil from Massachusetts will enjoy this next post:

How in God's name do the New England Patriots do it? They are the so-called modern age's version of a dynasty. They have won three Super Bowls and, after a huge upset win over San Diego, are on the verge of winning a fourth. I really felt in my heart that San Diego was going to win that game, until I saw Marty Shottenheimer and his 1988 glasses on the sidelines. I knew at that point that there was no way the Charges win. Really - check out this picture of a very bummed Shottenheimer after the Patriots loss. I didn't know you could find glasses that big anymore:

http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/sullivan/20070115-9999-1s15sullivan.html

Anyway, being a Viking fan, I know the feeling, and definitely feel sorry for the guy. I had that same glum, dazed look on my face in 1998 after Gary Anderson shanked a 37-yard field goal wide left that would have sent the Vikes to the Super Bowl - his ONLY MISS OF THE YEAR. But that is another, incredibly long story - let's get back to dynasties. To be a dynasty, a team must consistently overcome adversity, win championships, and be considered the Cat's Meow in your league. In the NFL, there have been the following dynasties:

1960's: Green Bay Packers (yes, we know)
1970's: Pittsburgh Steelers
1980's: San Francisco 49ers
1990's: Dallas Cowboys
2000's: New England Patriots

Now, as you can see, the Minnesota Vikings are not on this list. True, they were pretty good in the 1970's and went to four Super Bowls - and lost them all. Since that time, they have been to three NFC championships - and lost them all. One was the aforementioned loss to the Atlanta Falcons in 1998 which simply is the Single Most Harrowing Sporting Event that I have ever witnessed. Another was a 41-0 loss to New York in 2001. This was a game in which I invited people over, actually bought purple and gold plates and cups and had a spread of food. It was 14-0 before I had a plate of food. Thanks Denny Green!

In fact, in my 40 years of life, I have only had one favorite professional team win an actual World Championship - The Minnesota Twins in 1987 and 1991 (God Bless them, every one). The Minnesota Gophers have won a couple of national championships in college hockey too, which is cool. Other than that, it's been 40 years of futility, chokes, misadventures, dupes, trickery, pitfalls, underachievement, hoodwinks, gnashing of teeth and Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory. But enough about that.

How does New England do it? I cannot fathom sitting down and watching a team that will just simply win each Sunday. Instead of sitting on the couch and saying "I know they're going to miss this kick," Patriots fans must say: "Oh, he'll make this 86-yard field goal with room to spare." Instead of saying "Where in God's name was (insert Vikings QB name here) throwing that pass? ," Patriots fans must say, "Did you see Brady thread the needle on that 99-yard pass into the wind to win the game with one second left on the clock?" And lastly, while Viking fans are wondering if they will blow the game on a fumble, horrific penalty, or missed kick, Patriots fans must be wondering if they will win on a masterful 95-yard, clock-consuming drive, or simply a last second, quick strike move down the field? I don't know, I have to breath into a bag again.

I am going to end this, because I need to put the kids to bed. But, does anyone out there really think that the Indianapolis Colts (bad karma team) is going to beat New England this weekend? Sorry, Peyton, but there is no chance.

Peace,

Jeff

Ronny-San

I am sure that all of you check back daily to see if any comments have been added to my post on the top albums of all time. You may have missed the late-night comments, however, from Ronny-San of Seattle on his top albums in his truck. For those of you who don't know Ronny-San, he may now live in Seattle, be he hails from Rochester, Minnesota and attended the University of Leinenkugles (Eau Claire) and roomed with Jase, Jon and the rest of us. He and I have similar musical tastes, but his tends to be a little harder, faster (Husker Du) where mine tends to be a little more melodic (Replacements). He is the Lennon to my McCartney, the Joe Strummer to my Mick Jones. The Russell Hitchcock to my Graham Russell (who are they? Just click link):

http://www.airsupply-online.com/

Anyway, Ronny-San took the time to send his top albums sitting in his truck, and here they are in case you missed them:

Ronnie-San's current list of 10 most cool albums sitting on the front seat of my truck.
Drive By Truckers- Southern Rock Opera
Husker Du- Zen Arcade
Sonic Youths- Daydream Nation
Pavement- Wowee Zowee
Neil Young- Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere
The Jazz Butcher- A Scandal In Bohemia
Gang of Four- Entertainment
Meat Puppets- Meat Puppets II
Minutemen- Double Nickels on the Dime
Yo La Tengo- New Wave Hot Dogs

and Slayer is still the only metal band that matters.

Good stuff, Ronny-San!

Jeff

If a tree falls in the forest...

It has been announced that the NBA has suspended Eddie Griffin of the Minnesota Timberwolves for five games without pay for violating the league's anti-drug program. My question is - how will we be able to tell he is suspended?

Jeff

Signs of the Apocalypse

My second favorite sports personality in the Twin Cities is Dan Barriero. He is second only to Patrick Ruesse, who is one of my idols (not Sid, for God sakes). That, however, is a subject to be addressed at a later time. Dan Barriero makes me look like a charter member of Up With People. Every Friday, he has a feature on his KFAN radio show called "We're Done As a Society" in which he outlines events in the world that are signs that The Four Horseman are truly mounting up their steeds and the End of the World is nigh (a good word, by the way).

I can identify with this subject. Every once in a while, something event occurs that makes me wonder if I should load up on water and canned goods, like the Wild winning a road game, or meeting a humble Packer fan. There are other events, however, that if they should occur, the End Of The World could be within minutes. These include:

1. The Cubs winning the World Series.
2. The Vikings winning the Super Bowl.
3. A Hollywood marriage lasting more than six months.
4. Me fixing a broken appliance.

Most of the world-ending events that happen are not of the catastrophic nature, however, and are just stupid deeds done by stupid people. My friend, The Pantless Wonder, sent me a link to one of these events. A family on wing-nuts happened to be vacationing in Disneyland and wanted to have a family picture taken with Tigger. Please watch the video to see what commenced:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734959

Now, the fact that this "story" even saw airtime could be considered a sign of The End. But, come on. An "unprovoked attack?" They interview Dad and he says (upon review) "He clocked him pretty good?" And to top it off, Tigger has been suspended by Disney pending further investigation. This kid didn't even get his glasses bent! What I see here is a family of rubes who is trying to get their vacation paid for by Disney Corporation. If this happened to one of my dudes, I would be embarrassed to even be interviewed. The only question left to be answered is which one of the Four Horseman will make this family pay. Will it be War, or Death, or Pestilence, or...............the other one? I can't remember that last one right now.

Have a good night,

Jeff

More Random Thoughts

I have writer's block. Or maybe blogger's block. So here are some random thoughts that have been in my brain:

1. If there is one thing that I do not like, it is contemporary church services. You know the kind, with the junior high band up front and pastor playing acoustic guitar. The congregation of sober, white people try to be hip and clap and sway to the beat, which is a harrowing experience. Sober, white people should never, ever clap and sway to the beat. We Lutherans have a hard enough time making eye contact while giving our neighbors the Sign of Peace, let along trying to dance in church. The children are usually called to the front and read a peaceful story about Jesus during the contemporary service. The Book of Revelation generally is not quoted. Being thrown into a lake of fire is not mentioned. Puppets are often used to tell a bible story. Now, I find puppets, much like clowns, a little disturbing and they should not be allowed in church. When He gave the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus did not feel the need to get His point across with puppets. I just don't like contemporary church services.

2. My neighbor Dan and I went to Guitar Center to check out bass amplifiers. I can feel in my soul that an amp purchase is near and the time to ROCK is almost upon us. I'm making that "rock sign" with my hands right now. I still have to learn to play notes on the bass, however - a minor detail. By the way, if you ever want to check out some burned-out rockers, visit Guitar Center. I swear I saw Ronnie James Dio in there.

3. There was a recent article in the St. Paul Pioneer Press about kids fishing less than in the past. There was speculation from the DNR as to why this might be. Today, a Michael Bullerman of Woodbury, MN wrote this letter to the editor with his opinion. Here it is, word-for-word:

" After reading 'Fishing's Not Hooking as Many Young People' it's clear to me the DNR and US Fish and Wildlife Service have overlooked an obvious explanation as to why the numbers are declining. That is, our younger generation has evolved. They have learned compassion! More and more, they choose to admire God's creation and take no pleasure in destroying it needlessly. They realize, whether arrow, hook, shot or trap, they all cause suffering. Having compassion and living cruelty-free are admirable traits, as beautiful as the animals themselves."

Wow, Michael. It may be time to exhale and put down the crack pipe. That's all beautiful and everything, but I think the decline in fishing has a little more to do with video games that today's youth living "cruelty-free."

4. Lastly, how did it get to be 2007? 1987 was twenty years ago. Think about that.

Peace,

Jeff

Funny People and Idiots

When it comes to humor, my favorite characters have always been well-meaning, yet slow-witted individuals. I've always loved characters with grandiose plans to solve the world's problems (or their own), but can't see the forest for the trees. I think I learned this as a child while watching Laurel and Hardy with my dad. This introduction to humor led to my love of Archie Bunker, Barney Fife, Homer Simpson, Sgt. Schultz on Hogan's Heroes, Jeff Lebowski and virtually all other Coen brothers characters. Although these characters are fictional, they are true reflections of our real selves, whether we like to admit it or not.

Once in awhile, however, a real life idiot gets caught on film and rivals anything Laurel and Hardy ever acted out. I happen to have one of those films in this post. Now, I don't think this guy "meant well" like the other individuals that I named earlier. In fact, he was trying to rob a liquor store, and got caught on the security camera. It does my heart good to see things like this once in a while to remind me that in this serious world of violence, war, etc., some things happen that are pretty damn funny. Please watch this in it's entirety for full comic effect.

Jeff

http://www.glumbert.com/media/badrobber

No Way

Those of you who have known me for more than 1 minute know that I have always been a huge advocate for a new, outdoor baseball stadium for the Minnesota Twins. Baseball should not be played indoors, on plastic. Therefore, for the last ten years, I have sent countless e-mails to politicians, showed up at community hearings, and even testified on behalf of the stadium in front on the Hennepin County Board in August on 2006. I became obsessed by the topic, as many of you know. This is a major reason my wife created this blog.

Every stadium plan was rejected for various evil reasons until last spring, when a bill was finally passed by the Minnesota Legislature to finance a new stadium in downtown Minneapolis. The bill was given the blessing of Hennepin County and the Governor. Beautiful renderings of the outdoor stadium with real grass, blue sky and downtown as a backdrop were made available to the public (and added to this blog). A project team was formed that meets monthly, and famed HOK was named as the design team. The tax to pay for the stadium became official in Hennepin County on January 1st, 2007. Even though the process has taken ten years (easily) off my life, all is good - right? That is what I thought until I sat down last Sunday morning with my cup off coffee, slippers made by Maura and my Sunday paper. I then proceeded to read Sid's column:

http://www.startribune.com/507/story/907211.html


What the hell? Hennepin County is having problems buying the land?? I seriously had to read this six times before I could believe it. Honestly, what the hell? They said "SCRAP the project?"

I have to honestly ask if some evil force of nature is trying to drive me insane. What have I done to deserve this kind of crap? Now, don't worry readers. I don't have this kind of passion for a Vikings or Gophers stadium - just baseball. People have accused me of being paranoid, but I truly will not believe this stadium will be built until I am sitting in it with a beer. Maybe not even then.

Actually, I never expected something as stupid as not being able to buy the land to derail the stadium plan. I expected Chief Hiawatha's bones to be found as they excavated the site, and have it declared holy land and made into a Green Space for the Euphorians. Wait a second - I have to breath into a bag...........

OK. I'm going to save some serious swearing and rage for the day this thing falls through for real. In the meantime, I'm just going to assume that Sid is still bitter about the Twins leaving WCCO for KSTP 1500 AM. Just like he is bitter about the Wild and Xcel Energy Center ending up in St. Paul instead of Minneapolis. After all, Grandpa Sports is getting senile.

Right?

Never Underestimate The Blog

Happy New Year to everyone out there! Apparently Joel Maturi, Athletic Director at the U, reads What Jeff Thinks. He fired Glen Mason yesterday, no doubt after reading my last post about Mason being The Single Biggest Fraud in Minnesota coaching history.

http://www.startribune.com/512/story/908025.html

I wonder if Zigi Wilf reads the blog?

Jeff