The Fat Mall

Today I went to the Mall of America. Now, don't worry readers, I am not a fan of malls, especially the Big Mall. But, like going to the doctor, sometimes it must be done no matter how harrowing it might be. At least you are less like to hear "the snap of the rubber glove" at a mall compared to the doctor's office. Well, then again, I haven't been to the Galleria in a while.

Anyway, I had to go to the Big Mall (and I'm simply not calling it "MOA" like the advertisers want) for a gift at a certain store. Believe me, if I could have got by with going to Shitdale (Har Mar) for the gift, I would have. I could have parked on the front sidewalk and nobody would have noticed. I cannot divulge what store I went to for various Christmas gift reasons. Maura, if you are reading this, I am not talking about Victoria's Secret. I will tell you in all honesty that I was indeed at Victoria's Secret today and purchased your Christmas gift. If my sons are reading this, I did go the the BROWN SOCKS store today and purchased your gifts. If my daughter is reading this we're enrolling her in Kindergarten on Monday. So, the secret store is still secret.

Anyway, the Fat Mall is located on the hallowed ground in which Metropolitan Stadium once stood. I still expect to see the lights of the stadium as I drive west on 494, Instead, on the same ground in which Bud Grant and Fran Tarkenton once roamed, you now have a Bad Bath & Beyond. On the same land that Rod Carew flirted with hitting .400, you now have a Karmelcorn. Just Plain Sad.

Those of you that know me, understand that I get very confused in parking lots. I get turned around in a Walgreens parking lot, let alone "the Mother of All (MOA) Parking Lots." There were a lot of suburban types looking for spots to park their Honda Odysseys. I swear to God they were all on their cell phones. I can just hear that conversation: "Hi, Connie, yah I'm just parking now. Yah, its busy. I'm by Bloomingdales. Where are you? By Nordstroms? Wow! See you at Cache' in two minutes!" How did we live before cell phones?

I finally found a spot and made my way in the Big Mall. My first order of business was to get coffee. If I am going to spend any amount of time at This Place, I will spend it caffinated. I purchased a Starbucks. Now, it may shock you that I was able to locate a Starbucks at the Mall of America. I know, it was a little weird. Anyway, I have always felt that disgruntled workers at coffee shops take the plastic lids to the cups and put a tiny pin prick in every tenth one. Today, I had that tenth lid. The frickin' coffee kept dribbling down my chin and onto my coat. I could not, for the life of me, locate any holes or openings. Fascinating stuff, huh?

I noticed a lot of Professional Shoppers today. You know the type, full make-up, and dressed like they are going to a cocktail party. These people live for shopping the way I live for drinking beer while listening to tunes. Now, don't think I am a complete scrooge or anything. I enjoy shopping at MGM or the Electric Fetus as much as the next guy.

You will be happy to know that I was able to find what I was looking for, and was able to find my way back in 494 East and head back home. As I was leaving, I noticed the buses bringing loads of people to the Fat Mall for a full day of shopping. Think about that - sitting on a bus full of people driving to a mall full of people. Sounds the tenth circle of hell to me.

Anyway, I am sorry this post was a little negative considering it is the Christmas season. I promise the next one will be more positive. My witty and handsome Canadian brother in law is coming to town and we are going to see the Wild play the hated Chicago Goonhawks. We may even go looking for Anonymous after the game.

Peace,

Jeff