The Revenge of Paul Douglas

Wow. That's the last time I mock a weatherman. Last week, we were receiving dire warnings about a major snowstorm that was going hit the Twin Cities on a Friday night and last through the following Sunday. Now, when this happens the anchorpeople warn you to go out and stock up on canned goods, bottled water and flares. As if this is a new occurrence in Minnesota. Then, when the "weather event" is supposed to hit, the front mysteriously moves south and we get flurries.

You can imagine my glee when I woke up on Saturday morning to see absolutely no snow whatsoever. I swear I saw robin's gathering twigs for their spring nests. I sarcastically called both of my sisters and my neighbor Dan to see if they were still alive, and if I needed to hook up the sled dogs to bring them supplies. I spent the better part of the morning mocking Belinda Jensen and Sven Svengaaaaaaard (channel 11), Dave Dahl (channel 5) and especially Paul Douglas (Chanel #4). P DUG is especially easy to mock because of his toupee. A few years back he took a job in Chicago and was bald when he left. He decided to return to the Twin Cities - with a full head of hair! But, that's another story. But, as long as I'm on the subject, it also his "catch phrases" kind of bug me too. "Dim sun." "Enough snow to shovel and plow (which is anything over 1/8th inch). Anyway, I digress.

As soon as I hung up the phone with my neighbor Dan, it started to snow. At the same time, my wife left for her annual Mommy's Conference weekend, not to return 'till Monday morning. It then proceeded to snow for 24 hours straight and we received 13.5 inches. I bring up the part about my wife leaving because she usually does an outstanding job helping me out with the shoveling. Now - she was GONE. Luckily , this snowstorm occurred on the weekend, so I didn't have to worry about digging early so I could get to THE CHECK. Also, I happen to have two snow blowers - my right arm and my left arm. I actually have a broken snow blower in the garage that my friend Sean sold me about 7 years ago. It got a broken calancifer or gambdieran or something, however. I spent the entire day shoveling and felt like I was going to die the next couple of days. Now that I've turned the big 4-0, I'm not as nimble and limber as I used to be.
Just when my back and legs and arms and neck started to feel better, I turned on the news and there was Paul Douglas, with a little smirk (and toupee), saying that another system was moving in on Wednesday. This system could "give us enough snow to shovel and plow." It will maybe even be bigger than the first system. Oh, crap. No more sled dog jokes this time.

Sure enough, Wednesday rolled around and it started to snow. It's now Friday night, and 15 inches later, it is still snowing. Thats around 29 inches of snow in less than a week. We've shoveled about six times and my back and neck and legs and arms hurt again and it just keeps coming down. THE CHECK closed at 3:30 on Thursday, for God sakes! That's unheard of!

Damn you, Paul Douglas! I didn't mean it about the flares! Your toupee is really quite nice! Stop it! I checked the snow plow in the garage and the calancifier did not fix itself (in reality, it's probably out of gas).

I realize what has happened here. We are actually having a typical Minnesota winter, and I have gotten "soft." Because of global warming and George Bush, I have gotten used to the wimpy winters. Remember when you were a kid and the snow drifts were above your head - all the time? Granted, your head was lower, but it was still a hell of a lot of snow. Remember walking to school (it was never, ever closed) uphill both ways in the snow? The last few years, if the forecast calls for over 3 inches there are news crews reporting live from Highway overpasses warning of impending doom. What has happened?

I can even bring a stadium angle into this (which I can do in any conversation regardless of original topic). Remember when the Vikings used to play outside, and all of the hearty souls wore snowmobile suits and brought bottles of whiskey to stay warm (even the kids)? Everyone loved it. Then came the Dome. Might as well be playing in your living room. Now, because of global warming, any talk of a new outdoor stadium is met with "it would be so cooooooolllldddddd!!"

We've gotten soft. I must admit, I was getting quite used to the easy winters. It got to the point that I didn't even keep a scraper in my car. The "Inconvenient Truth" here is that warmer winters with less snow was actually quite nice! Take that Al Gore! I don't see you out there shoveling this crap.

Anyway, it's finally stopped snowing, and I have some flares that I need to shoot off and some canned goods to feed to the sled dogs.

Peace,

Jeff