Those of you that have known me for more than two minutes realize that my cholesterol is high. It's kind of a family curse that I've dealt with ever since that fateful day at age 22 when I went in for a routine doctor's visit and had my first-ever cholesterol test. Now, when your 22, the healthiest thing in your diet is a Whopper because it has lettuce and tomato on it. They told me that my cholesterol is "borderline high," and I should eat a "low-fat" diet. My first question was "what is cholesterol?" My second question was "what the hell do you by mean low-fat diet??" I then spent the next year thinking I was going to die at any moment. I also got a little bitter when I found out people who were 350 lbs. overweight and couldn't make it up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath had perfect cholesterol.
I finally got a grip, and realized that I have to face this head on. I found out that the problem was hereditary, and learned my cholesterol will actually rise if I even walk by eggs at the grocery store. I also learned, however, that there are steps to take to lower your cholesterol. You can:
A. Eat nothing that tastes good. Eat things that taste like bark. Oatmeal is great (no brown sugar)!
B. Exercise 6 hours a day.
C. Drink red wine. No wait, don't drink it. OK - one glass a day.
D. If all else fails, there is medicine. (More on this in a second).
I spent the next 18 years being afraid to go to the doctor. I kept thinking, "my cholesterol was sort of high last time, and I had brats and chips and pizza and stuff....I'm doomed!" Now, mind you, I still find going to the doctor a harrowing experience, but I go every so often. I finally relented at age 40 and went on the medicine - Zocor. I am, after all, a husband and father. No more screwing around. If you 've never heard of Zocor, just turn on the evening news and you are guaranteed to see a commercial for it, and every other medicine available. I have to say, after almost three months on the stuff, it's worked wonders. The pertinent numbers are way down. So I've got that going for me, which is nice. So don't worry, blog fans, I've got the cholesterol of a normal human being!
Before going on the medicine, however, I tried a lot of "miracle cures" that were said to lower cholesterol. I like the wine angle, but one glass is a joke - that just makes you thirsty. I eat oatmeal like it's going out of style, with FLAX on it (yes, FLAX). My sister-in-law the dietitian swears by this and is in good shape so what the hell. I heard eating fish was good for you, unless you cook it so it tastes good.
I also heard of the benefits of garlic. I read about people taking garlic pills, which seemed a little strange to me. I also heard that if you take enough garlic you smell bad when you sweat. This is not good. I was willing to go with heart disease over smelling like garlic all of the time. Then they made garlic pills that said "no nasty side effects or smells!" I actually tried these for a few months. I went to Target and bought garlic pills and took them every day. Did it help? No. Did I smell like garlic when I sweat? Yes.
Now, I hope you are all sitting down for the next bit of news. It has been discovered that "garlic has no effect whatsoever on lowering cholesterol." WOW - imagine that! Here is the story in today's St. Paul Pioneer Press:
http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/living/health/16790313.htm
Was Larry King lying to us when he extolled the benefits of garlique (TM) every night? Larry is also saying grape juice will magically lower your cholesterol if you drink 46 cups a day. Yeah, whatever Larry. I tried that and my pee-pee was purple for a month. Rumor has it that Welch's paid for that study. Now that I'm on the Zocor, I take all of these magical cures with a grain of salt. Nothing can beat exercise, moderation it eating, and a pill a day. I still firmly believe, however, that there is one "magic bullet" against cholesterol that will be found. It's only a matter of time before this substance is lauded by doctors throughout the land as "the perfect cure." I believe in my heart that the perfect substance is:
Bacon.
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4 comments:
Jeff: I am embarrassed to say that I have never taken the time to actually read your "stuff." I have heard Jase laughing aloud at your writings and have often wondered....????? Now that I have read your "stuff", I have to admit, it is quite good. You are actually very funny and write extremely well. I am impressed. Not that I am anybody who has any credentials to critique writing, but if I was such that person, I would be extremely impressed. Keep up the great job! (sorry...it's hard to serparte my elementary school tendancies.) I especially enjoyed your insight on why men have not given birth. You are dead on; however have missed the whole next chapter on what happens to a woman's body after such an extreme event. Tune into Maura for more details if you don't have a clue what I am talking about. I look forward to more insighful commentaries from you on various subjects. Again, I apologize for not giving you the time of day before now. Best of luck - Kari (Fisher)Boom Shanka!
Kari - nice to hear from you and thanks for the kind comments on the blog! I only have two questions:
1. I've been writing this thing since since early December, and this is the first time you've "taken the time to read my stuff?" What the hell?
2. I've ran into quite a few people that say "you're ACTUALLY quite funny and write quite well." Does this mean that I am a dolt in person? A dullard?
Anyway, nice to hear from you Kari! Just to let you know, when we have that "Class of 1985 Turns 40" get together in June I'll probably need to stay at your house. I'll try not to throw up this time.
Boom Shanka!
I can't even believe you blogged about this.
I was at the doctor Friday and he asked when I had last had my cholesterol checked. My answer was "um, quite a while". The real answer is 2001 when I was 200 lbs. It was 138 then. Now, nearly 32 and nearly 230, I'm scared.
Hey Phil - yeah, but I have this family history thing going on. My cholesterol was over 138 the day I was born. In fact, me typing the word cholesterol caused it to go up 5 points. It was 257 the last time I had it checked, and now it's down to 177 with the Zocor. Sounds like a commercial!
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