Morning Rage

There is a woman at THE CHECK who is pregnant, and she is going through the usual gamut of health issues. It got me thinking about what women go through when they are pregnant, and whether or not men could handle having babies. What would happen if men were the ones who got pregnant, carried the baby for nine months, and then gave birth? Let me share my conclusion with you:

The human race would be extinct.

That's right - done. No question. Gone. Like the dinosaurs. No man would go through that twice. We'd have one baby by accident (a night of drunken lust, no doubt) and we'd share the horror stories of birth with all of our buddies. Siblings? No chance. The only way "brothers or sisters" would occur is if a man had a multiple birth. It would be so rare that it would be considered freakish. The headlines would read "Man Births Two of the Same Person." We'd probably give them the same name. You know, "These are my two sons "Jim and Jim." I almost died having them." There are many, many reasons The Lord made the right decision when He decided that women should have babies. Here are MY reasons why men could never have babies:

1. No alcohol for nine months. Come on. That might seem cool for about 5 days, but we'd get a little jittery and angry after that.

2. Mood swings. Here is another reason we'd be extinct. Some pregnant guy would have had a severe mood swing because some cereal spilled, and would set off a nuclear device. Several World Wars would be be happening for this reason at all times.

3. Pain. Enough said.

4. Morning sickness. Imagine feeling hung over absolutely every morning, without the fun stories from the night before. This would eventually turn into "morning rage (see mood swings)."

5. Eating for two. Can you imagine what pregnant guys would eat, and what size they would become? Seriously, "tents" would become standard maternity wear.

6. Birth would inevitably happen during Big Games. Come on, Packer fans. What would you do - go to the hospital and give birth or stay home and watch the game? I think we know.

And lastly,

7. Breast feeding. You have to be kidding me.


These reasons are just off the top of my head. What I am trying to say here is that I have the utmost respect for womankind for literally keeping the human race afloat for all these centuries.

Let me know if you have some additional reasons why "men could never have babies." I'd like to hear them. By the way, I was able to come up with one single, solitary reason why men could possibly have babies, and here it is:

Maternity Leave.

Peace.

Jeff