Wrestling With Wrestling

I have been perplexed by the sport of wrestling since I was a small child. I am talking about "real" wrestling here, not the "fake" kind with Hulk Hogan and Baron Von Rashke - that was actually kind of cool. I am talking about organized, let's practice in the high school gym kind of wrestling. Why two sweaty men in leotards would want to roll around on a mat and try to pin each other down is beyond me. Now, hold on right here. I am not questioning the toughness, conditioning or manhood of anyone out there who may have wrestled growing up. I have a couple of good friends who grappled growing up, and I've brought this up to them. I simply cannot understand why a person would put themselves through that. Here are some reasons why I think this way about wrestling:

1. Fasting. In order to "qualify" for a certain weight class, a wrestler may be forced to "fast" to drop a few pounds in a hurry. This is crazy talk, and quite unhealthy, I would have to imagine. Back in High School, I saw quite a few guys sipping water and nearly hallucinating because they were "trying to drop a few pounds." To make matters worse, I saw a few wing-nuts running stairs in snowmobile suits on 89-degree days "to drop a few pounds." Think about this. That's a good way to "drop a few pounds - and brain cells" along the way. Or have a stroke.

2. Wrestling coaches. Simply put, 100% crazy. Very good chance of being anger-management candidates. I apologize to anyone who might have a wrestling coach in the family, but it's true. Admit it.

3. Leotards. Enough said.

4. Getting your ass kicked. I don't care how many pounds you drop by torturing yourself, the other wing-nuts on the other team are doing the same thing. You will eventually have to grapple with someone meaner, crazier, and more deranged than yourself. You will get your ass kicked. No question about it.

5. Cauliflower ears. Wrestlers have wear this head gear to protect themselves (irony). The head gear, coupled with getting your face smashed into the mat over and over and over and over and over and over and over will give you "cauliflower ears." I am not making this up. This cannot help with dating in those awkward teen-age years. Never heard of cauliflower ears? Here is a picture:

http://www.rawc.org/cauliflower.jpg

6. Herpes. Yes, you read that correctly. There is a brand-new wrestling wrinkle thrown in now in 2007. According to a published report, the Minnesota State High School league ordered a shutdown of the sport after a recommendation by the Minnesota Department of Heath in the wake of 24 confirmed cases of herpes gladiatorum, (I'll get back to that name in a second) a virus spread by skin to skin contact. Here is the story from the St. Paul Pioneer Press:

http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/news/16583830.htm

Say what?

OK - no "big pin" is worth this. Herpes? Now, I don't care that it's not HERPES, it's still in the family. Let me get this straight. Wrestlers with skin lesions - skin lesions - spread the virus through rolling around with other wrestlers, and they had to shut the entire sport down for eight days. Here's some good news, however. Once wrestling starts up again, all wrestlers will be required to strip down and be "inspected" before each match. You just gave me number 7 for my list. Hey, at least there wasn't a enormous spread of crabs through wrestling. How would you like to inspect for that before every match?

You have to admit the name is kind of cool - herpes gladiatorum (you can't make that up). Like "gladiator." There is some self-respect in this. It could have been called herpes sissyatorum or herpes wussatorum. That would have not been good for the boys self-esteem.

I am sure all of this will blow over and the sport of wrestling will be even stronger in the future. Not enough to get me in the stands, however. It's way too dangerous - and bad for your health.

Peace.

Jeff

Very Interesting Video

Hey there everyone - it's officially zero degree's outside right now and I've promised to take my sons to the rink to play some hockey. What the hell am I thinking? I don't know. When you have the "haircut" like mine, you really feel the cold, too. I need to start growing my Adam Clayton white guy 'fro circa - 1981 for when I am playing bass with the Dad Band. I'll look like a complete jackass, but it will help when it is cold.

Speaking of Adam Clayton and U2, I don't know if you've heard about their new video. When you are an old guy like me, the only place you hear about new videos is in the newspaper. Sure enough, I was reading the Sunday paper and there was an entire article about this video. It is for their new song "Window In The Skies," and features clips of some of the most famous people in rock history "singing" the song through the magic of editing. Very, very cool. It's not funny like the Michelle Bachman video, but not much is. See how many bands you recognize - and look for members of U2 in the crowd shots. Here it is for your viewing pleasure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VskbxuehP3I

Jeff

Kiss Me George - Damn It!

If you want to get my wife mad, just mention Michelle Bachman. If you have never heard of Michelle Bachman, she is a freshman in the House of Representatives in Washington D.C. She originally hails from the Stillwater area of our State of Minnesota. Saying she is conservative is like saying the universe is big. She is just right of Attila The Hun. If this was the 1930's, not only would she have been a Nazi sympathizer, she would have moved to Berlin and flirted with Rudolf Hoess. She is the reason that places like Edina exist. And, as previously mentioned, my wife curses the ground she walks on. Now, I do not try and bring her up too often around my wife because I like to keep the peace. I am a peace-keeper. Anyway, here is my point. Michelle was in attendance at the last Presidential address, and wanted to make sure to not only get George Bush's attention, she wanted a kiss. Because we live in the year 2007, through the magic of the Internet, we can relive this historic event. To view, please open link and click "Play" next to video:

http://wcco.com/topstories/local_story_024193038.html

Now, if you were Michelle's husband, what would you think? I have a feeling that he is probably a little neutered to begin with, but I imagine this whole thing would bum him out a little bit. But then again, there is a good chance that the Bachman household just might have a picture or two of George Bush "here and there." A picture of George in the living room "here," or one in the foyer "there." Maybe one on the coffee table right next to copies of Modern Conservative and Suburban Bitch magazine, or possibly on the ceiling in the bedroom. I can picture Mr. Bachman making dinner with his apron on while Michelle gazes longingly at watercolors of "W" gathering brush down at The Ranch in Texas. I feel kind of bad for the guy. Now, I have to put up with some scattered pictures of George Clooney around the house, but they do not bother me because I know I am a handsome devil. I've seen pictures of Mr. Bachman, however, and this is not a claim he can make. Well, stay tuned. This could get interesting.

Jeff

Happy Stuff

I have received some feedback that much of my writing on this blog is of a very cynical nature. I have also received feedback that it is too heavy on the subject of sports. Well, for me sports and cynicism go hand in hand. Try watching the Vikings for three decades and see if you feel like Richard Simmons. Anyway, feedback is a gift (which is a saying from THE CHECK) and I don't want all of you out there to think that I am ungrateful for the things that I have in My Life. I am very, very thankful for the things that I have, and can actually identify the only two subjects that consistently get me pissed off:

1. Sports teams from Minnesota and their futility
2. Sports Stadiums, and the way Minnesota screws them up

So, this post is going is not going to be about those two things. This post is going to be about all of the things that make me happy. Here we go (in no particular order):

**My family. Have you ever heard that Talking Heads song that goes - "This is not my beautiful wife, This is not my beautiful house..." It's about a guy who can't believe he actually has these things in his life. I feel like that a lot. How did I go from living in a Shotgun Shack (136 Chippewa St.) to having the most wonderful wife and three best kids in the world? I have two great sisters, too. Must be doing something right.

**Friends. Jase, Jon, The Pantless Wonder, Jim, Al, Pedo, Dan, Shawn, Sean, Matt, Aaron, Charley, Chewie, Tom, Dean, De, Ronny-San, Brad, Pete, Tony and the list goes on and on. Lots of laughs and good memories - past, present and future.

**Tunes. Music can cheer you up, bum you out, get you mad, make you sick, make you think, psych you up, freak you out and make you cry. And it's all good. Listen to the Neil Young song "One Of These Days" and you will know what I am talking about.

**Indoor plumbing. How can you not like that?

**Beer. Ben Franklin once said "Beer is proof of a God and that He loves us and wants us to be happy." Amen Ben.

**Sports. Yeah, they piss me off. But they are a hell of a lot of fun. You can't beat taking the dudes to a Wild game at Xcel Energy Center!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT4KQMrH67w

**Cholesterol medication. Hey, I might be dead without it.

**Monkeys. Very, very funny animals. Proof that God has a sense of humor.

**The Sasquatch. He's out there. You think he ain't?

**Getting up on a weekend morning, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper while wearing those slippers my wife knitted for me.

**Lastly (for now), the combination of chocolate and caramel. Simply awesome. (See cholesterol medication).

That's all for now. Peace!

Jeff

Sports Hell Continues...

Well, it's 4:39 on Sunday afternoon, and it looks like the Chicago Bears are going to represent the National Football Conference in the Super Bowl. Rex Grossman just threw a touchdown pass to put the Bears up by 11. The receiver had to make a circus catch, of course, which is the only way to catch most passes from Grossman. The Bears in the Super Bowl. How we got to this point, I will never know. Did anyone see the Packers take the Bears starters apart the last week of the season? The Vikings should've (would've, could've) beat them if it wasn't for a late fumble for God's sakes. I've spent 40 years hating this team, which may be one reason they are in the Super Bowl, now that I think about it.

The Bears certainly have a capable defense, but they may have the single worst offense (if not team) to ever take the field in a Super Bowl. The Baltimore Ravens under the helm of Trent Dilfer holds the current "worst offense in the Super Bowl." Rex Grossman makes Trent Dilfer look like Johnny Unitas, however. Now, I know what you are all thinking. I am jealous. I will admit that, yes, of course I am jealous because I am a Viking fan and I have accepted that they will never, ever, win a Super Bowl. And, yes, I'd rather be the worst team to win in a Super Bowl than the best team to never win it. No question. I have fully accepted that the Vikings will never win the Big One, with one exception - if they move to another city they will win it within two years - guaranteed.

Oh, well. What can you do? I'll settle in to watch the Patriots-Colts game to see who will be destroying the Bears in the Super Bowl - guaranteed.

Peace.

Jeff

Recent Things That Make Me Think...

Here are some of the things that I have been thinking about lately:

1. If a person is going to express themselves with a bumper sticker on their car, it is rather ineffective to stick one on that is a paragraph long and in 4 point font. It is the equivalent of mumbling during a speech. When you are driving 70 miles down the highway, and trying to read the bumper sticker, it is nearly impossible and quite dangerous. The following sentiment probably should not be displayed in the form of a bumper sticker on your car:

The Earth is our Mother and should not be taken lightly or we're all going to end up dying which is going to happen anyway because George Bush is an idiot and Global Warming is real which is melting the Polar Ice Caps as we speak and is killing the polar bears and will flood everyone just like Al Gore said in that movie which I haven't seen yet because I went to see The Break Up instead but don't tell anyone.

Trying to read that would cause a 40-car pile up on 35E during rush hour, which is not good for the environment either. Please limit your bumper stickers to 10 words or less. Thank you,

2. Each night, due to my obsession with Twins stadium news, I scour the Internet for updates on Hennepin County's inability to purchase the land on which the stadium will be located. As I have stated in a previous post, I will not believe this stadium will be built until I have attended at least 5 games in it. Anyway, through some serious Search Engine detective work, I have located a blog that proves there are other people out there just like me (scary). Here is a link to that blog:

http://blog.lib.umn.edu/snackeru/greet/

At least now I know that if Hennepin County botches the stadium, I won't be alone when I jump off the High Bridge!

3. Ok. You readers have to help me with this third one. Now, I'm not trying to stir anything up, or come across as the next David Duke or anything, but I read something on CNN.com today that really made me wonder. The story was about Muslims who are "upset about being portrayed as terrorists" on the latest episode of 24. Here is a link to that story:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/19/24.muslims.ap/index.html

Ah.........huh? Yeah, that would bum me out too. But, if blond Lutherans were flying planes into buildings, along with carrying out daily suicide bombings around the world and had a "club" who's motto was "Death to America," I would expect blond Lutheran terrorists to end up in an episode of 24. What nationality should the "fictional" terrorists be? Dutch? Samoan? They had some Russian terrorists in last year's storyline, and nobody in Moscow freaked out. The Russians accept that they have a good portion of terrorists on their soil, and it makes for a good plot. Now, if 24 continues to utilize Muslims as terrorists, I am sure there will be some serious protesting. Just like when The Pope mentioned in a speech that Islam could be "a violent religion." To protest being called violent, radical Muslim's responded worldwide by burning things, kidnapping and hanging the Pope in effigy.

These are the things that make me think....

Jeff

Dinassty? I Can't Even Spell It

Phil from Massachusetts will enjoy this next post:

How in God's name do the New England Patriots do it? They are the so-called modern age's version of a dynasty. They have won three Super Bowls and, after a huge upset win over San Diego, are on the verge of winning a fourth. I really felt in my heart that San Diego was going to win that game, until I saw Marty Shottenheimer and his 1988 glasses on the sidelines. I knew at that point that there was no way the Charges win. Really - check out this picture of a very bummed Shottenheimer after the Patriots loss. I didn't know you could find glasses that big anymore:

http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/sullivan/20070115-9999-1s15sullivan.html

Anyway, being a Viking fan, I know the feeling, and definitely feel sorry for the guy. I had that same glum, dazed look on my face in 1998 after Gary Anderson shanked a 37-yard field goal wide left that would have sent the Vikes to the Super Bowl - his ONLY MISS OF THE YEAR. But that is another, incredibly long story - let's get back to dynasties. To be a dynasty, a team must consistently overcome adversity, win championships, and be considered the Cat's Meow in your league. In the NFL, there have been the following dynasties:

1960's: Green Bay Packers (yes, we know)
1970's: Pittsburgh Steelers
1980's: San Francisco 49ers
1990's: Dallas Cowboys
2000's: New England Patriots

Now, as you can see, the Minnesota Vikings are not on this list. True, they were pretty good in the 1970's and went to four Super Bowls - and lost them all. Since that time, they have been to three NFC championships - and lost them all. One was the aforementioned loss to the Atlanta Falcons in 1998 which simply is the Single Most Harrowing Sporting Event that I have ever witnessed. Another was a 41-0 loss to New York in 2001. This was a game in which I invited people over, actually bought purple and gold plates and cups and had a spread of food. It was 14-0 before I had a plate of food. Thanks Denny Green!

In fact, in my 40 years of life, I have only had one favorite professional team win an actual World Championship - The Minnesota Twins in 1987 and 1991 (God Bless them, every one). The Minnesota Gophers have won a couple of national championships in college hockey too, which is cool. Other than that, it's been 40 years of futility, chokes, misadventures, dupes, trickery, pitfalls, underachievement, hoodwinks, gnashing of teeth and Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory. But enough about that.

How does New England do it? I cannot fathom sitting down and watching a team that will just simply win each Sunday. Instead of sitting on the couch and saying "I know they're going to miss this kick," Patriots fans must say: "Oh, he'll make this 86-yard field goal with room to spare." Instead of saying "Where in God's name was (insert Vikings QB name here) throwing that pass? ," Patriots fans must say, "Did you see Brady thread the needle on that 99-yard pass into the wind to win the game with one second left on the clock?" And lastly, while Viking fans are wondering if they will blow the game on a fumble, horrific penalty, or missed kick, Patriots fans must be wondering if they will win on a masterful 95-yard, clock-consuming drive, or simply a last second, quick strike move down the field? I don't know, I have to breath into a bag again.

I am going to end this, because I need to put the kids to bed. But, does anyone out there really think that the Indianapolis Colts (bad karma team) is going to beat New England this weekend? Sorry, Peyton, but there is no chance.

Peace,

Jeff