A Trip to the Doctor

I had to go to the doctor today. You see, I tweaked my elbow somehow, and it has hurt off and on for the last three weeks. My wife finally got sick of me saying "my elbow really hurts," so she threatened to call and make an appointment for me if I didn't do it first. So I called, and a few hours later I was driving to the Aspen Clinic (my version of hell on earth) at Bandana Square. For those of you that know me, you most certainly realize that I do not enjoy going to the doctor. Why? Here are some reasons:

1. You will be poked.
2. You will be prodded.
3. You may have to take down your pants - and not for anything good.
4. You may have a finger stuck up your butt.
5. Somebody will take your blood-pressure and then give you a look that says "Geez, what's with this guy?"
6. Somebody will ask you if you drink beer and then tell you to quit that.
7. Somebody will tell you to stop eating sugar, salt, fat, trans-fat, and potato chips with peanut butter.
8. You might have to wear a nightgown with no back.
9. "Turn your head and cough." Enough said.
10. They might find something wrong with you.
11. They might NOT find something wrong with you.
12. They WILL make you come back.

Well, I got smart a few months back and asked the appointment gal if I could see a Doctor on a regular basis who is MALE and "somewhat on the mellow side." I don't need some militant-female-vegan-marathon runner telling me to stop drinking beer and eating hamburgers. So, the last few times I have gone to the clinic, I've met with this soft-spoken guy who is a good listener to my rants and irrational beliefs on health. Sure, he put me on Zocor for cholesterol, but he did it nicely. Anyway, today he was booked solid. There was a female doctor available, however. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that female doctors are not qualified. In fact, they are probably MORE qualified than males, but I am just terrified of them. My shortcoming.

I just wanted to get this godforsaken saga over, so I went ahead and booked the appointment. It's my elbow, for God's sakes. No need to drop your drawers for the elbow, right? Once I arrived, all went well with the appointment. The doctor scanned my elbow, and asked me how I thought I might have hurt it. I still cannot recollect how that might have happened. She then asked me if I had been doing anything in particular on an ongoing basis that may have hurt the elbow. My answer was:

"Throwing batting practice for my son's baseball team."

She then asked me about a blister on my hand.

"That is from screw-driving many screws whilst installing some indoor/outdoor carpet on my deck."

She proceeded to give me a look that said - "You are a moron. Why are you wasting my time? No shit your elbow hurts. Stop that." You see, you don't get that look from most male doctors. They give you a look that says - "Yes, you are a moron. I can see, however, how you would want to throw batting practice for your son and screw screws in your deck. That's cool. You may want to put a temporary hold on that stuff, however."Anyway, I had a couple of X-ray's and got put on the 15-day DL as far as pitching is concerned. And, I only use a screw-driver every six months, so we don't have to worry about that. If the pain does not subside in a few weeks, I will have to go back (of course - see #12 above) and then all hell might break loose. I think everything is going to be ok, however, because I am a positive spirit at heart.

Peace,

Jeff