Golf Is Evil

"Golf is good walk spoiled." -Mark Twain

I have just returned from an golf excursion to the in-laws cabin in Northeastern Wisconsin. I made the trip with Jase and met my father-in-law, uncle-in-law and one of their buddies to play golf at Timberstone in Iron Mountain, Michigan (da Yoopers are up der ya know!).

Timberstone is absolutely beautiful, and the day was perfect. Maybe a little cold at the start (45 degrees), but as the day wore on there was bright sunshine and perfectly blue skies. The fall colors were gorgeous, and peaking in many areas. Wildlife was abundant, and a deer even scared the hell out of Jase as he was hitting from the fairway. I had a great time with friends and relatives alike. Everything was perfect except for one thing:

Golf is evil.

"The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." -Phyllis Diller

I am not sure who the sado-masochist was who invented the game of golf, but it is a hellish pastime. Logic follows that the more a person performs an activity, the more proficient they should become at that activity. Not golf. Oh, sure, there may be a good putt here and or a good chip there to make a person feel like they are improving. That is part of the folly of golf. Just when you think "you got game," you shank a drive three fairways over. And speaking of chipping, I could not chip a golf ball on to the green from close range consistently if my life depended on it. I can, however, chip a ball over the green and down the nearest hill with amazing consistency.

"You've got just one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you've hit it." -Sam Snead

Another problem with golf is that it is too quiet. How can a sport be played when it is quiet? I need noise and yelling and cursing! No time to think - act quickly! The more time I have to think, the more time I have to screw up. I need split-second decisions. I suppose truly good golfers can block out all sounds around them and "clear their mind." Not me. Here is a sample of what might be going through my mind at any given time before I swing a golf club:

"Legs bent - head down - arms straight - loud car - don't look up - Vikings will lose - they're watching me - feet straight - airplane overhead - Twins stadium - I work on Monday - I forgot to schedule the meeting - a bug flew by - I hope they are not laughing..." Then I swing and "top the ball" and it skids about three feet past the women's tee. It's maddening.

"Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle." -Jackie Gleason

And another thing. There's ball magnets in sand traps. Don't tell me there isn't. And water. Don't get me started with water. Ponds, streams, lakes. If there is water around, I will find it. I swear if you put a glass of water in the fairway of a golf course, my ball will defy physics to land in that glass. Remove the glass, I will shank my shot into the rough.

"We speak of eyeball-to-eyeball encounters between men great and small. Even more reaching and revealing of character is the eyeball-to-golfball confrontation, whereby our most secret natures are mercilessly tested by a small, round, whitish object with no mind or will but with a very definite life of its own, and with whims perverse and beatific." -John Stewart Martin

Oh, well. It was still a great day. I think golf is one of those games in which I should not expect to do well. My parents were great golfers, but they put quite a bit of time into the game (which may not help me, per my previous point). I guess you just have to look at it like "the more you swing, the more you get your money's worth.

"In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of self expression. In America we call it golf."- Becker

Peace,

Jeff