Creed Bratton - Pure Gold

The older I get, the less television I watch. I basically watch the news, which tends to rile me up, and sports, which tend to enrage me. But for a little relaxation and brevity, I watch NBC's The Office. I have heard people refer to The Office as a "comedy," but have always looked at it as a "documentary" on work. It's dead-on factual.

Anyway, I have been telling people for weeks that my favorite "minor" character on the show is Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin's off-beat quality assurance representative. Creed is a product of the 1960's, you see, but not in a "peace and love" sort of way. More in a drugs and drugs sort of way. The story goes that Creed traveled the world playing in a rock and roll band, The Grass Roots, and toiled with a large number of pharmaceuticals along the way. Now, forty years later, he's wearing a suit every day and working at Dunder Mifflin. His brain, however, does not quite think the same as the other office staff, largely because of his past. This is why I love him.

So, you can imagine my delight when I noticed that Creed has a blog on The Office web site called "Creed Thoughts." I like the name. Here is the link:

http://blog.nbc.com/CreedThoughts/

Folks, this is pure gold. Here is a sampling of the kind of insight you are going to get from "Creed Thoughts:"

--"There’s been a lot of bad mojo going on at work lately because of computers. Some kid’s been coming around saying how he wants to replace everyone with robots and calculators and little pieces of fruit. The Bossman listens to him, too, even though the kid’s real scrawny and has a horse face. Don’t get me wrong, I like computers as much as the next Joe, but when they start messing with me, I’m not just going to sit there and take it. I’ve seen the movies. If you want to fight back against a machine, you’ve got to chuck it in acid."

--"It drives me crazy when buffets only offer one type of Jell-O. Seriously, the Jell-O thing drives me crazy. It costs, what, a dollar to make a whole tray? Loosen up the purse strings and throw some lemon and orange in with that cherry. Also, stop suspending fruit in there. If you want to mix something in, try a little meat sauce – it’s be delicious and filling.

I had an idea the other day and if anyone steals it, I’ll hunt them down. Here’s the idea: buffets should start selling different size plates. You pay three bucks for the small, five bucks for the medium, and ten bucks for the large. I’m a real good stacker so I’d just have to pay for the little one and go to town. Fat people would probably shell out for the tenners so they wouldn’t have to get up so many times. I’m telling you, this is pure genius. I’ve been calling around to different buffet companies and one of them is going to make me a rich man, believe me. Honestly, if you steal this idea I will dismantle you."

--This has been some crazy week. On Saturday, I went over to the mini-mart to pick up a bunch of breakfast burritos and some rolling papers. Couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw all the stuff they sell there now. Disposable cameras, fancy lighters, portable phones. You name it, they had it. I thought I had jumped into the future or something, which was weird because I usually think I’m back in the past. As a joke, I asked the skinny dude behind the counter how much he wanted for the portable phone, thinking he’d say two, three hundred bucks. When he said twenty bucks, I just about dropped a bomb in my skivvies. I bought one immediately. Best purchase I ever made in my life because now I don’t have to stand guard outside my phone booth at the bus station waiting for calls. If someone needs to find me, they can just call my portable and, if I feel like it, I’ll pick up. Technology, man. It blows my mind.

--Man do I miss the days of fondue. I don’t know who decided that fondue wasn’t hip anymore, but I want to take that guy behind a dumpster and teach him a lesson with a fondue pot. If I ever go the chance, I’d take a bath in a giant fondue pot. No lie.

--Most people have a thing against bugs, but not me. I love the little guys. The way I see it, there’s more of them than there are of us, so you have to respect them just in case. If they ever got their stuff together, they could really do some serious damage. I’m talking city destruction, livestock relocation, and political domination here.

In the late 70’s I tried to get into Flea Circusing. It’s not nearly as easy as it sounds. I bought a group of fleas from my pal Gerry and he told me they all had previous circus experience, but it was a total rip-off. They couldn’t do any tricks at all. At least not that I could see. Maybe they were just camera shy. Whatever it was, they pretty much just sat there, so I dumped them in the creek behind my hostel.

People have to stop saying “that bugs me.” It’s racist.

--The other day, I overheard some dudes at work – the fatso and the fruit – and they were talking about some internet video of water buffaloes fighting lions. I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of thing I can build a whole night around. I stopped at the supermarket on the way home and picked up some things to get me in the mood: Buffalo jerky, buffalo wings, Frosted Flakes, some cupcakes, and a bottle of white wine. (Side note: I couldn’t find any lion-related items at the store, so I settled for the Flakes because of the Tiger. It was the best I could do.) When I got home, I was really jazzed for a good old-fashioned jungle fight. I turned on my computer and boom – nothing happened. Just a weird clucking noise and a black screen, so I did what anybody would do. I punched my computer and then I called tech support.

--Here’s the thing about handcuffs: there’s only one key for all of them. It’s not like the Tampa cops have their own special key and the Saskatchewan Mounties have a different one. They’re all the same. So the one true goal in any criminal’s life is to get a copy of the handcuff key. I’ve got thirty. If you want to buy one, you know where to find me.

Beautiful. Check out the blog - it's outstanding.

Jeff