Crisis Averted

I spent a few hours Friday night at my neighbor Tito Jackson's house. We relaxed and had a few beers while my kids played with his kids. Things were going well until midway through the evening when my kids dropped a bomb on me that nearly ruined my night. They informed me that The Cookie Monster, arguably the greatest Sesame Street character (some say Grover), has been replaced by something called "The Veggie Monster." My kids informed me that, because cookies are unhealthy, Sesame Street decided to replace the Cookie Monster with another character who has the healthier habit of eating vegetables.

Now, folks, I have to admit that I have been in a rather fragile state lately. I have been dealing with national issues like the sagging economy, threats of terrorism, inflation and Sasquatch doubters. I am also dealing with wearing two contacts in each eye for the first time in my life and adjusting to how they "fit." By the way, I have already lost one of these expensive contacts in the men's bathroom at THE CHECK. I spent two hours looking for the contact while guys took dumps in that God-forsaken bathroom. No luck. Gone. But I digress.

Even though I am in a rather fragile mental state, I feel that I am dealing quite well with these national, international and personal issues. The Cookie Monster being replaced by "The Veggie Monster," however, is something that I was not prepared for. If this news is true, I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Has it come to this? Do we now live in an age in which the lovable Cookie Monster has been made into somthing evil and replaced with a monster who loves vegetables? Everyone loves cookies. Nobody loves vegetables. Let's just face the facts. What would happen if the Girl Scouts sold boxes of vegetables? They would go out of business. Enough said.

I decided it would be a good idea to research the issue before I nearly exploded with rage, . Since I had a good beer buzz at Tito Jackson's, I waited until until morning, when my mind would be clear, to look for the facts. I immediately Googled "Cookie Monster Veggie Monster," hoping nothing would come up. To my horror, pages of articles were available to access. OK - before I go any further, I am going to cut to the chase. I know people are on pins and needles.

It's an internet hoax.

Let's all calm down and take a deep breath. It turns out that Cookie Monster will not be replaced by a horrible Veggie Monster. It was just some ugly rumor perpetuated on the World Wide Web. The rumor caused such a groundswell of worry, however, that a petition was created and sent to PBS, informing them that they are a bunch of jack-asses. PBS responded to the petition by stating that there are no plans to change Cookie's name but he will, indeed, "cut down on the amount of cookies he eats, and enjoy more fruits and vegetables."

OK, so he's not changing his name. But I'm not sure if that last statement made me feel better or worse. It just wouldn't be the same to see the Cookie Monster shoving carrots down his throat. Maybe he'll drop some weight and become a skinnier cookie monster. Wouldn't that be great? Maybe he could go 100% organic! Fun! It truly is amazing we've all lived as long as we have. What, with evil cookies being around all this time.

I'm just glad we've dodged this bullet for now. But if I was Hamburgler, I'd be worried.

Jeff