What Will Larry King Do?

Those of you that have known me for more than two minutes realize that my cholesterol is high. It's kind of a family curse that I've dealt with ever since that fateful day at age 22 when I went in for a routine doctor's visit and had my first-ever cholesterol test. Now, when your 22, the healthiest thing in your diet is a Whopper because it has lettuce and tomato on it. They told me that my cholesterol is "borderline high," and I should eat a "low-fat" diet. My first question was "what is cholesterol?" My second question was "what the hell do you by mean low-fat diet??" I then spent the next year thinking I was going to die at any moment. I also got a little bitter when I found out people who were 350 lbs. overweight and couldn't make it up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath had perfect cholesterol.

I finally got a grip, and realized that I have to face this head on. I found out that the problem was hereditary, and learned my cholesterol will actually rise if I even walk by eggs at the grocery store. I also learned, however, that there are steps to take to lower your cholesterol. You can:

A. Eat nothing that tastes good. Eat things that taste like bark. Oatmeal is great (no brown sugar)!

B. Exercise 6 hours a day.

C. Drink red wine. No wait, don't drink it. OK - one glass a day.

D. If all else fails, there is medicine. (More on this in a second).

I spent the next 18 years being afraid to go to the doctor. I kept thinking, "my cholesterol was sort of high last time, and I had brats and chips and pizza and stuff....I'm doomed!" Now, mind you, I still find going to the doctor a harrowing experience, but I go every so often. I finally relented at age 40 and went on the medicine - Zocor. I am, after all, a husband and father. No more screwing around. If you 've never heard of Zocor, just turn on the evening news and you are guaranteed to see a commercial for it, and every other medicine available. I have to say, after almost three months on the stuff, it's worked wonders. The pertinent numbers are way down. So I've got that going for me, which is nice. So don't worry, blog fans, I've got the cholesterol of a normal human being!

Before going on the medicine, however, I tried a lot of "miracle cures" that were said to lower cholesterol. I like the wine angle, but one glass is a joke - that just makes you thirsty. I eat oatmeal like it's going out of style, with FLAX on it (yes, FLAX). My sister-in-law the dietitian swears by this and is in good shape so what the hell. I heard eating fish was good for you, unless you cook it so it tastes good.

I also heard of the benefits of garlic. I read about people taking garlic pills, which seemed a little strange to me. I also heard that if you take enough garlic you smell bad when you sweat. This is not good. I was willing to go with heart disease over smelling like garlic all of the time. Then they made garlic pills that said "no nasty side effects or smells!" I actually tried these for a few months. I went to Target and bought garlic pills and took them every day. Did it help? No. Did I smell like garlic when I sweat? Yes.

Now, I hope you are all sitting down for the next bit of news. It has been discovered that "garlic has no effect whatsoever on lowering cholesterol." WOW - imagine that! Here is the story in today's St. Paul Pioneer Press:

http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/living/health/16790313.htm


Was Larry King lying to us when he extolled the benefits of garlique (TM) every night? Larry is also saying grape juice will magically lower your cholesterol if you drink 46 cups a day. Yeah, whatever Larry. I tried that and my pee-pee was purple for a month. Rumor has it that Welch's paid for that study. Now that I'm on the Zocor, I take all of these magical cures with a grain of salt. Nothing can beat exercise, moderation it eating, and a pill a day. I still firmly believe, however, that there is one "magic bullet" against cholesterol that will be found. It's only a matter of time before this substance is lauded by doctors throughout the land as "the perfect cure." I believe in my heart that the perfect substance is:

Bacon.

Update to Men Having Babies

It has been brought to my attention that there is one more reason to believe men could handle having babies. As you may recall from my previous post, there are countless reasons as to why men could NOT have babies, and only one why we could - maternity leave.

A second reason has come up:

Bed rest.

Imagine telling a man that he MUST stay in bed and take it easy for awhile. Now (snap!) that would be cool.

I'm beginning to think we might have a population explosion!

Huh?

Now that I have turned the Big 4 -O, I realize that I have lost touch with much that is hip or cool with The Youth. I still think music from the mid 80's is "new," for God's sakes. You readers have to help me with something, however. My 5th-grade son, who I love very much, keeps saying "Oh, Snap!" As in "Oh, Snap, check that out!" Or "Oh, Snap, that is so cool!"

What the hell is "Snap?"

I don't like this. This is the first Hip Word that I feel I have absolutely no connection with. Groovy, cool, gnarley (80's - feathered hair), righteous, bogus, sweet (still use it), etc. - I used them all. I knew what they meant and how they should be used in a sentence. Well, maybe not groovy. I heard my sisters use this to describe the latest Carol King album when I was a kid, but at least I knew what it meant.

Snap?

What hip-hop dork thought this up? Where is it used? Possibly on MTV, which used to stand for "Music Television?" They used to show videos you know, before all of the "reality" shows for morons they have on now. "Morons," by the way, is a fantastic word that has spanned the generations. Everyone knows what that means.

We're getting old, folks. Pretty soon there will be a form of music that The Youth listen to that we don't understand. (I would count rap here, but that is not really music so it doesn't count). More words will spring up that we won't recognize in our middle age. There is nothing we can do to stop it. No use in fighting it, we must embrace the change.

Oh, Snap, it's time for bed!

Jeff

Morning Rage

There is a woman at THE CHECK who is pregnant, and she is going through the usual gamut of health issues. It got me thinking about what women go through when they are pregnant, and whether or not men could handle having babies. What would happen if men were the ones who got pregnant, carried the baby for nine months, and then gave birth? Let me share my conclusion with you:

The human race would be extinct.

That's right - done. No question. Gone. Like the dinosaurs. No man would go through that twice. We'd have one baby by accident (a night of drunken lust, no doubt) and we'd share the horror stories of birth with all of our buddies. Siblings? No chance. The only way "brothers or sisters" would occur is if a man had a multiple birth. It would be so rare that it would be considered freakish. The headlines would read "Man Births Two of the Same Person." We'd probably give them the same name. You know, "These are my two sons "Jim and Jim." I almost died having them." There are many, many reasons The Lord made the right decision when He decided that women should have babies. Here are MY reasons why men could never have babies:

1. No alcohol for nine months. Come on. That might seem cool for about 5 days, but we'd get a little jittery and angry after that.

2. Mood swings. Here is another reason we'd be extinct. Some pregnant guy would have had a severe mood swing because some cereal spilled, and would set off a nuclear device. Several World Wars would be be happening for this reason at all times.

3. Pain. Enough said.

4. Morning sickness. Imagine feeling hung over absolutely every morning, without the fun stories from the night before. This would eventually turn into "morning rage (see mood swings)."

5. Eating for two. Can you imagine what pregnant guys would eat, and what size they would become? Seriously, "tents" would become standard maternity wear.

6. Birth would inevitably happen during Big Games. Come on, Packer fans. What would you do - go to the hospital and give birth or stay home and watch the game? I think we know.

And lastly,

7. Breast feeding. You have to be kidding me.


These reasons are just off the top of my head. What I am trying to say here is that I have the utmost respect for womankind for literally keeping the human race afloat for all these centuries.

Let me know if you have some additional reasons why "men could never have babies." I'd like to hear them. By the way, I was able to come up with one single, solitary reason why men could possibly have babies, and here it is:

Maternity Leave.

Peace.

Jeff

Hollyweird

I tend to blog about happenings in Hollywood about as much as my wife blogs about stadium issues - which is Nil. However, due to some recent Hollywood events, I feel compelled to let all of you know what I think.

I think 99.9998% of Hollywood has gone insane (up from 98.7775% previously). Another thing that I have noticed through my vast research is that Hollywood females are going insane at a much faster rate than males. More on that later.

Within the past few weeks, here are some of the events that have occurred:

1. Lindsay Lohan has checked herself into rehab for alcohol abuse. One minor detail - she is not even legal to drink yet. She must have an outstanding fake ID.

2. Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI. And rumor has it - get this - it was not her first one. I will give Nicole the benefit of the doubt on this one, however, because she weighs 47 pounds. She probably had half a glass of chardonnay and was just hammered.

3. Anna Nicole Smith, well, died. I simply do not have the time or space to go into detail on this one. Tragically, her son also died recently, which could send anyone into insanity. But, folks, Anna was on the fast track way before that. Let's just say that she recently had a baby and 23 men (including Patrick Ruesse!) and three women are claiming to be the father.

4. Paris Hilton. Nothing specific happened with Paris. She simply continues to be crazy in every aspect of her existence.

5. Britney Spears. What can you say? When someone with no talent and a hillbilly upbringing gets fame and fortune instantly heaped on them, something has to snap.

And it did.

Let's just say that Britney started hanging out with every other aforementioned Hollywood chick, and nothing good can come of that. My sources tell me that Britney has been partying quite hard, and even checked into rehab (must have a "buy 5, get 1 free" rate) and checked out a day later. The day Britney checked herself out, she did this:

http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20011773,00.html

What the hell? Now, as previously mentioned, Britney has always lacked talent and class, but I never thought she was ugly. I always thought she was kind of pretty in a "Maplewood Mall sort of way." Well, throw that out the window. She was quoted as saying that "her mom's going to freak" about the haircut. Britney, if I was your mother, I'd be worried about some other behaviors way before the bald head. I do not see a good end to this story. Although maybe her next record will be really awesome and pull her out of this mess.......... RIGHT?

What is going on with these gals? Are they trying to be the next Rat Pack or something? The Rat Pack had class, talent and panache, however. These chicks, in some cases, just have rich fathers that simply aren't paying attention. I cringe when I hear that these Hollywood gals might be looked at as "role models" for young girls. If that is the case, we're in for a whole lot of trouble, and soon. If the day comes when society looks at males over females as examples of manners, moderation and class, the End Days might not be far off.

Peace,

Jeff

Keen Observations

Here are a couple of things that are on my mind today:

1. It is one of my beliefs that we live in a world with an increasing number of people who are chomping at the bit to be offended. Nothing gives certain people a sense of empowerment more than putting a stop to a person, place, idea or thing by complaining that "they have been offended." I will give you an example of this. Yesterday was the highly controversial holiday that I like to call "Valentines Day." This holiday is meant to celebrate love, give cards and candy, etc. Very, very scary stuff. Now, when I was a child we used to celebrate Valentines Day at school, along with the other Holiday's such as Halloween, Easter, Christmas, New Years, etc. Fast forward a few decades to today, and I have children of the grade-school age. They go to a public grade school in St. Paul. Do you think they can celebrate any of these holidays? No. You see, many of these holidays have roots in religion, or ancient druids or something, and have therefore offended somebody.

It all came to a head yesterday when my fifth-grade son came home and told me that they had "a little party" with some treats at school. The principal, however, came over the loud speaker to let the student body know "we are in no way celebrating Valentines Day, we are celebrating FRIENDSHIP DAY."

OK, lets think about this. Friendship Day. Somewhere along the line, some Euphorian was offended by Valentines Day (probably because of that bastard St. Valentine) and whined enough to put a stop to it. Friends, the Four Horseman are truly mounting up. Stuff like this drives me absolutely insane.

2. Folks, there is nothing like a good rant. Recently, University of Colorado Football coach Dan Hawkins received an anonymous call from one of his player's parents complaining about the lack of time off between the end of the football season and the start of conditioning. Coach Dan was not real happy about this and went on a little rant. His ability to go from calm and controlled to absolute rage was quite impressive. Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G-EqpT-HG8

3. Tunes update. I have been listening quite a bit to The Band of Horses out of Seattle. As far as I am concerned, "The Funeral" is the best song of 2006 (in case you were wondering about that). Great video too. Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibE7IqEjni4

Have a good one.

Jeff

Grace Lutheran Was Not A Mega-Church

I grew up attending Grace Lutheran Church in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. It was a brick structure near downtown, with some old-school stained glass windows featuring Jesus with a lamb, walking on water, etc. You could get a doughnut and some seriously weak coffee in the basement after church. Pretty standard stuff. Grace Lutheran had no flat screen monitors up front, and we sat on wooden pews rather than plush stadium seating. Our Pastor, Gordon Thorp, drove an Oldsmobile, I believe. Somehow, I managed to learn about religion despite these dire circumstances.

Grace Lutheran was quite different than the Living Word Christian Center located in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota. According to an article in Sunday's StarTribune, The LWCC is a 300,000 square foot building with an atrium. There is a media center, bookstore and cafeteria that has been compared to a Chipotle. The Center is growing by leaps and bounds and now has over 10,000 members. This growth accounts for $14 million in salaries for 300 employees and $2.6 million in annual "gifts." The Center is run by Pastor Mac Hammond, who founded the church in 1980. By the way, Pastor Hammond owns a Porsche, a Lexus, two homes in Florida, and some motorcycles according to the article. And three boats. Oh, and a private jet. When he preaches, he wears suits that "look more Donald Trump than Jedi Knight." He preaches (and I quote) the "Prosperity Gospel." The Center owns millions of dollars in property in the Twin Cities and 560 acres in Northern Minnesota which includes a $500,000 cabin "retreat." (This retreat is needed, probably, to get away from the harrowing conditions at the Center in Brooklyn Park.)

The only reason I bring this up is that the conditions are quite different at the LWCC than what I grew up with at Grace Lutheran. I was taught that Jesus was born in a manger. I was taught that He walked the Earth associating Himself with "The least of us" - the poor, sick, and hungry. Lastly, I was taught that "blessed are the poor," and "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Maybe I was taught the wrong stuff. According to the Star Tribune article, here are some actual quotes from Pastor Mac Hammond:

"A person that makes a lot less than someone else, but consumes everything of themselves is more in the wrong than the person who makes a lot of money but uses it to help others or to promote the gospel."

"I think it's important that I not be embarrassed about the increase the Lord does bring me."

"Noah was the first investment banker. He was the first buying stock when the rest of the world was liquidating."

"It is impossible to bless someone else or be a blessing if you have nothing to bless them with. It is a fact that the greatest impact we can have on the world around us is going to be defined by financial resource."

And, lastly, the most frightening:

My biggest insecurity was that I had no formal training in the ministry. So I'd stand for hours before a full-length mirror, and preach the message to myself."

Here is what I think: Pastor Mac Hammond is a wing nut. I will never question anyone's faith, because I am not in a position to do that. And, I don't doubt that his Center does some good in the community. However, it's got to take some incredible powers of rationalization for him to sleep at night. I'm no expert on the Bible, nor do I take it all literally. But I think Mac maybe has located a couple of extra Books of the Gospel that nobody else knows about . Maybe the one in which Jesus examines his investment portfolio. Or possibly the one in which Jesus picks up the Disciples in his new Sweet Ride. You never know.

I do know this - give me Pastor Gordon Thorp and Grace Lutheran over Pastor Mac Hammond's "Center" and Prosperity Gospel any day of the week. Give me weak coffee over stadium seating. And, give me the Sermon on the Mount over Mac's load of crap anytime.