Lucy - What A Hag

I watched my all-time favorite Christmas show last night with The Kids - A Charlie Brown Christmas. To me, the Christmas season does not start until A Charlie Brown Christmas is aired on network television. I love this show. It was written in 1965, one year before I was born, and I've been watching it every winter since the early '70's. There are a couple lessons to be learned for all in this tale. The first is the true meaning of Christmas. The second lesson just hit me this year - 2007 - for the first time:

All the girls in the Peanuts gang are serious hags.

Now let's think about this. Some girls are nicer than others. Sally, Charlie's sister, is not too bad. But how about Violet, Frieda and.......Lucy. I'll get back to Lucy later. She's could be the subject a whole stack of psychiatric textbooks.

Let's start with Violet. The show starts with Charlie lamenting the fact that Christmas has become too commercialized, and the fact that he was not invited to Violet's neighborhood Christmas party. The first words uttered by uptight Violet in the show are when she gleefully proclaims "Well I didn't invite you Charlie Brown!" Screw you Violet. Who wants to go to your boring party anyway? Later in the show, Violet proclaims that Charlie Brown "put on the worst Christmas play ever." When Charlie tries his best to pick out a Christmas tree for the play, Violet chastizes him by saying "boy, are you stupid," and "I told you he'd goof it up." Shut up, Violet. What a witch.

And then there is Frieda. You may not have heard of Frieda, but she's the pretentious lass with the "naturally curly hair." Now you know who I am talking about. Can you just hear her whining about her "naturally curly hair" before the play? I know you can. Frieda spends most of the 30 minute show riding Pig Pen about his messy appearance. Hey, Pig Pen is cool. Lay off Pig Pen. She keeps on whining about the dust from Pig Pen's clothes "taking the curl out of her naturally curly hair." She hands him a mirror and calls him (and I quote) "a complete mess." To which Pig Pen replies (with the best line of the show) "On the contrary, I didn't think I looked THAT good." Right on Pig Pen.

Finally, there is......Lucy. She should be the subject of college Psychology classes. How does Linus put up with her? She's constantly riding him about his favorite blanket. Constantly giving him "FIVE GOOD REASONS" to get rid of it. She rides Schroeder about Beethoven "not being that good" because "he does not have his picture on bubble gum cards." Shut the hell up, Lucy. What do you know? That is nothing compared to her treatment of good ol' Charlie Brown, however.

Lucy decides to put Charlie in charge of the entire Christmas play, even though she knows that might kill him. She then gets on his case because it doesn't go well (what a shock)! Lucy chides Charlie to "do something right for a change!" Wow - pure evil.

Lucy's true colors, and psychosis, is revealed in the following passage, however. I actually had to fish out our old VHS copy of A Charlie Brown Christmas and write this down word for word. Get this - when Lucy asks Charlie what part she will play in the Christmas production she exclaims the following:

"You're not going to let all this beauty go to waste!? You do think I'm beautiful, don't you Charlie Brown? You didn't answer me right way. If you really thought I was beautiful, you would have spoken right away. I know when I've been insulted!"

Folks, Alfred Hitchcock never wrote anything that messed up. Lucy is crazy, psychotic, and ready to snap at any time. And who is going to bear the brunt of her rage when she snaps? Probably Linus and his blanket.

What do you think about this? Am I off base, or are these gals evil? Let me know.

Peace,

Jeff

Parallel Universes

The Vikings crossed over into a parallel universe a few weeks back when they beat the San Diego Chargers at the Dome. Well, they entered that same alternate universe today out in New York. I like that universe. The defense intercepted three Eli Manning passes and returned them for touchdowns, helping the Vikes beat the Giants 41-17. The Giants are supposed to be one of the top teams in the NFC, which tells you more about the NFC than the Giants. Can the Vikings, at 5-6, start thinking about the possibility of the playoffs? (insert Jim Mora's voice here - Playoffs?? Playoffs!?) Maybe Coach Chilly has a Master Plan.....

But that is not the alternate universe that I want to talk about. I want to talk about the universe that Torii Hunter has slipped into. I have been writing quite a bit about Torii Hunter leaving the Twins lately, and I don't blame him for leaving. But check out the quote from Torii in Sid's column today:

It will be hard for the Twins to attract free agents, Hunter added, because the new stadium lacks a roof.

"People aren't even thinking about this," he said. "I wouldn't play in Minnesota unless my career was at an end and I had to go to Minnesota to play the game. ... People think that's not true -- that's 100 percent accurate. This is coming from a player, so I'm telling you."

Ummmmm........what? This from the guy who was quoted as thinking of leaving Minnesota because of the Metrodome's fake turf? Now, he's already missing the roof? Folks, has it come to this? Minnesota and the Twins are finally, after a decade-long battle, building a new outdoor stadium (to help them earn revenue and attract free agents) and it's already hurting them with attracting free agents? The hole is barely dug, for God sakes. Have Major League players become this sissified? Will it be a little too cold for the guys, or windy? Might it sprinkle? No wonder Hunter signed with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Southern California of the United States of America of North America. It's always 80 and sunny in Anaheim. No breeze, no rain - ever. No pesky clouds. Has it come to this?

That, to me, is one remarkably sad quote from Hunter. If he is correct, we are entering an age in which Major League Ballplayers apparently have to play in absolutely perfect conditions. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio, indeed? Hell, where have you gone Kent Hrbek?

Hunter was great on and off the field for the Twins, but he has had a few quotes from time to time that make you wonder what he is thinking. Or what universe he has slipped into.

Peace,

Jeff

Sports Ramblings....

It's a day off from THE CHECK today, and I am still feeling the after-effects of too much turkey and stuffing. That means it is a good time to put some more thoughts down on the blog. Here goes:

1. There has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the public in the aftermath of Torii Hunter signing with the Angels. Apparently, StarTribune columnist Jim Souhan and I are in complete agreement on the situation. Maybe he reads What Jeff Thinks?? Ah.........no. Here is what he had to say in today's edition of the paper:

The Twins were right to let Hunter leave, and he didn't intend to stay, regardless of the public relations campaign staged by both sides.

A billionaire owner running a profitable team that will enter a new stadium in 2010 can afford $90 million over five years for a power-hitting center fielder. That doesn't make it a wise investment.

Big-money, long-term contracts can destroy a franchise. Hunter insisted on a five- or six-year contract. The Twins didn't mind paying Hunter $15 million a year while he's in his prime; they balked at paying even more for a 36-year-old corner outfielder with a battered body, which is what Hunter figures to be in 2011.

And here is what Souhan said about Johan Santana:

{Losing Hunter)makes it imperative that they make Johan Santana their new-millennium Frank Viola, and trade him for players who can help them contend in the new stadium.

Keep Santana, and he will consume a huge percentage of the payroll and, every five days, will have a chance to lose 3-2.

Hunter's departure means there are no front-line players remaining from the 2002 team that broke the Twins' playoff drought. They blew it when they let David Ortiz go; otherwise, their decisions have been vindicated.

Doug Mientkiewicz, Luis Rivas, Cristian Guzman, Corey Koskie, Jacque Jones, A.J. Pierzynski, Eddie Guardado, LaTroy Hawkins, Eric Milton and Joe Mays all were cut loose when they became more expensive than they were worth.

At $90 million for a 32-year-old, Hunter now is more expensive, in the context of a middle-market team with payroll limits, than he is worth.

No need to get emotional -- Hunter is a wonderful guy and was a fine player for the Twins, and they were right to let him go.

Amen to that. I've always loved Jim Souhan.

2. The Green Bay Packers are 10-1. THE VISION is coming true. Do not mess with the supernatural. The only question left to be answered is whether the Packers will wear home green or road white when they play the Patriots in the Super Bowl. As I have reminded you, the vision first took place after the Philadelphia Eagles muffed a punt late in the game against the Pack. It was a moment of clarity like I have never experienced before. How this will play out over the rest of the year is also becoming clearer. Here you go:

Step 1: Pack wins NFC Norris Division. What once was a odd-sounding "when monkeys fly out of my ass" statement is now 99.999% FACT.

Step 2: Pack earns home-field advantage throughout the playoffs when Dallas chokes and loses at Washington on Sunday, December 30th. The Redskins would love nothing better than knocking their arch-rival out of having home field advantage in the playoff. Mark it down - it will happen.

Step 3: The Pack breezes in their first playoff game against some jokers like Tampa or Seattle. No contest. Over by half-time.

Step 4: The Packers and Cowboys meet in the NFC Championship game in Lambeau. It will be a very, very cold day and the game will be dubbed ICE BOWL II. Seriously. The Pack will win late in the game when Brettfavre scores on a quarterback sneak over center. I am not kidding. It will look a lot like this:

Step 5: Green Bay will take on the Patriots in the Super Bowl. A Patriots blow-out, right? NO! Remember THE VISION - Tom Brady sustains a leg injury in the AFC Championship game that keeps him out of the game. Here it is folks: The Packers will beat New England and back up quarterback Matt Cassel in the Super Bowl. Learn it, know it, live it.

Folks, I am just a vehicle for THE VISION. The messenger, so to speak.

Have a good one.

Jeff

Happy Thanksgiving Torii

Thanksgiving came early for Twins center-fielder Torii Hunter this year. And Christmas. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (of California of the western United States) have signed Hunter to a 5-year, $90 million deal. If I do my Eau Claire public school math correctly, that is $18 million per year for the 5 years. Torii can now afford to feed his family.

Hunter, who had become the "face of the Twins franchise," will be almost 39 years old when the contract expires. Folks, the time has come to say "see ya later" to the Twins center fielder and "thanks for the memories." I wish Torii well, but I don't blame the Twins for not signing him. I would not have given Hunter a 5-year contract. The Twins were reportedly offering 3 years at $45 million, a paltry $15 million per year. I also don't blame Hunter for waiting for and accepting the best deal. Gone are the days when the Hrbeks and Pucketts of the world take less money to play for fans that love them and stay with one franchise. Professional sports have become a game for mercenaries. Hunter has always been a great defensive center-fielder, a slightly above-average hitter, and a quote machine for reporters. He's also nearing the end of his career. My thought has always been that Hunter would sign with the Texas Rangers because he is from Dallas. He has said in interviews that he would love to play "at home" with his family near him. Obviously, "The Benjamins from Anaheim" speak louder than "the Hunters from Texas" in this case (Sorry, I had to get in a little rip, there). I don't blame Hunter - really.

The Twins have never been a franchise to hold on to their "superstars" forever. The aforementioned Kent Hrbek and Kirby Puckett are exceptions to the rule. This is a team that has gone through many "cycles" of players. The Twins have traded (or lost to free agency) the likes of Bert Blyleven, Rod Carew, Tom Brunansky, Chuck Knoblauch, Gary Gaetti, Jeff Reardon, A.J. Pierzinski, Frank Viola, Jaque Jones, etc., etc., etc. They usually end up improving their team in the long run through schrewd drafting and good trades. I can only hope the Twins take the money that they are saving by not resigning Hunter (and the greenbacks from the new stadium) and invest it back into the team. They need to resign Justin Morneau and lock up some of the young pitchers on the team. They also need to go out and sign a third baseman and a couple of players who can hit. Carl Pohlad simply cannot pocket the money he is saving by not resigning Hunter.

Lastly, the time has come to trade Johan Santana. If some of the rumors are true, the Dodgers, Yankees, Mets and Red Sox are offering some major young talent if they can be guaranteed to sign Santana to a long-term deal. He must waive his no-trade clause, however. This needs to happen. With the Twins luck, Santana will blow out his elbow if they sign him to a long-term deal. Trade him if the deal is right, but don't give him away. I would try and load up on young talent now for the new stadium in 2010. It's time for the Twins to start the next cycle.

Peace,

Jeff

Thanksgiving

The Thanksgiving season is once again upon us. Like most years, I am preparing for a day of watching parades with the kids, going to my sisters house in White Bear Lake to be with family and eat copious amounts of food, and laying on the couch to watch football. That is what I call Thanksgiving. The day, of course, is intended to be a time to "give thanks" for the good things in a person's life (thus the name). I usually end of feeling a little guilty each Thanksgiving because I realize that I spend most of my year worrying about crap like the house being messy, the car I drive, whether or not some sports team beat another and on and on and on. I often take for granted the fact that I am extremely lucky to have a wonderful wife, outstanding kids and extended family, and great life-long friends. I am healthy (Zocor aside) and damn good-looking. I can even sort of play the bass guitar. I am a lucky guy.

Thanksgiving also makes think about a few friends in my life who I have lost touch with. Everyone out there has a few of those friends who, for various reasons, contact is lost with. Days become weeks, weeks become years. It happens to everyone. I know that, most times, one person is not solely to blame for these situations, as most phones allow for both making outgoing calls along with accepting incoming calls. But, it kind of bums me out nonetheless.

Maybe this year I will pick up the phone and call a couple of those friends rather than just thinking about it. I recently wrote a post on the subject of my favorite song lyrics. As long as we're on the Thanksgiving topic, here is one of my favorites by Neil Young:

One of these days,I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
And I'm gonna try
And thank them all for the good times together.
Though so apart we've grown.

One of these days,I'm gonna sit downand write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days,one of these days, one of these days
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

And I'm gonna thank
That old country fiddler
And all those rough boys
Who play that rock 'n' roll
I never tried to burn any bridges
Though I know I let some good things go.

One of these days,I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days,one of these days,one of these days
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

From down in L.A.
All the way to Nashville
From New York City
To my Canadian prairie home
My friends are scattered
Like leaves from an old maple.
Some are weak, some are strong.

One of these days
I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter
To all the good friends
I've known
One of these days,one of these days,one of these days
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Jeff

Some Interesting Blog Factoids From A V.I.P.

I was reading the St. Paul Pioneer Press the other day as part of my constant search for blog fodder. It's still a quarter, you know. Twenty-five frickin' cents - quite a deal. You can barely buy a gumball for 25 cents these days. And before I get into the main topic of this post, I need to speak about that subject a little more.

Because I am a subscriber to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, I received a post card last week that says I have been "added" to a new program call "V.I.P delivery" for an extra 10 cents a day. That means the paper will be - get this - 35 cents. For an extra dime, they will deliver the paper "to my door." Once again, I have been "added" to that service, but I can call and decline. Now wait a minute here. Where do they deliver my paper today? To my door, of course. Sure, there are a few errant throws, but it's normally right there on the stoop each morning. If I call and "decline" this VIP delivery service, where in God's name is the paper going to end up? In the street? On the roof? My neighbor's house, perhaps? Through a window?? I think this whole VIP thing is a scam, but I'm a little scared to call and decline because of the possible ramifications. Especially with winter coming on. I don't want to have to walk out and retrieve that paper in the middle of the street in my skivvies in a blizzard. Let's just say the paper is 35 cents and call it a day.

Anyway, that is not what I am here to talk about. I came across an article by Patrick Reardon called "If Your Blog Dies, Will Anyone But You Know?" That caught my eye. Reardon interviewed Derek Gordon, vice president for marketing for the San Francisco-based Technorati about blogging. Here are some interesting factoids that I learned:

--There are 109.2 million active blogs in the world today, up from 94 million in August. That is a lot of opinions on a lot of crap.

--There is 1 blog for every 151 people world-wide. That is 1 blog for every 23 people with Internet access.

--OK - get this. Just over 99% of those 109.2 million blogs get NO HITS from readers in the course of a year. The vast majority of blogs exist in a state of total or near-total obscurity.

That last factoid actually puts a little spring in my step. Now, I'm no Shakespeare, but at least "What Jeff Thinks" gets a few hits now and then, and doesn't exist in total obscurity. Near-total obscurity maybe, but not total. Obscurity is bad. At least Jase, Tony8489, Dools, Tito Jackson, The Pantless Wonder, Freealonzo, quite a few "Anonymous's," and various other readers seem to give a little bit of a damn about What Jeff Thinks. I'd like to thank each and every one of you for keeping this blog out of "the depths of obscurity."

Boy, that would be a lot of work for nothing.

Peace,

Jeff

My Favorite Song Lyrics of All-Time - Vol, II

A couple of months back, I wrote a post about my favorite song lyrics of all-time (volume 1). It generated a pretty good response and some great favorites from readers. Well, it's time for Volume II. Here you go. As always, let me know what you think:

Been living on faithless street all by myself
Work your whole life for someone else
Trying to find sanction, Christ above man
He never shed his peace on this land
So I started this damn country band
'cause punk rock was too hard to sing.
WHISKEYTOWN - "Faithless Street"

Frankly, Mr. Shankly, this position I've held
It pays my way, and it corrodes my soul
I want to leave, you will not miss me
I want to go down in musical history

...but sometimes I'd feel more fulfilled
Making Christmas cards with the mentally ill
I want to live and i want to love
I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of

Frankly, Mr. Shankly, this position I've held
It pays my way and it corrodes my soul
Oh, I didn't realise that you wrote poetry
I didn't realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry, Mr. Shankly

Frankly, Mr. Shankly, since you ask
You are a flatulent pain in the arse
I do not mean to be so rude
Still, i must speak frankly, Mr. Shankly
oh, give us money
THE SMITHS - "Frankly Mr. Shankly"

Pushing thru the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying

I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and t.v.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought Id need so many people

A girl my age went off her head, hit some tiny children
If the black hadn't a-pulled her off, I think she would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm, fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest, and a queer threw up at the sight of that
I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour, drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine, don't think you knew you were in this song

And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, youre beautiful, I want you to walk

Weve got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
Weve got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, thats all weve got
DAVID BOWIE - "Five Years"

Been saving now for over a year
Let's pack the kids get outta here
We'll leave behind our troubles for a week
We'll borrow the pop-up from Phyllis and Steve
Just tell the boss I gotta leave
Be the best week of our lives as I can tell
We'll take our dream vacation in the Dells

We'll see the robot world and the water show
Go anywhere you wanna go
Circus world Museum in Baraboo
We'll play mini-golf at the Jellystone
And we'll finally see that house of foam
And if the kids wanna buy a t-shirt what the hell
It's our dream vacation in the Dells

And at night when the kids is all asleep
Then off to the lounge for a nightcap we can sneak
I know our lives they ain't the stuff of dreams
But for one full week we can live like kings and queens

So let's board the dogs lock the door
We'll roll down Interstate 94
Be the best week of our lives I can tell
We'll take our dream vacation in the Dells
GEAR DADDIES - "Dream Vacation"

I'd love to live where it's always August
or late September, just before school
One warm day now and then
Just to go swimmin'
Other than that - jean jacket weather
OL' YELLER - "Jean Jacket Weather"

That's it for now.

Peace,

Jeff